What the Hell Am I Doing?

So yeah I set up the Blog and the Twitter and I am all about getting all this shit out of my head and then I totally lose site of the cause and redirect into negative behavior (but oh God the ADVENTURES!!) but as I see it God can turn all bad things to His good will. So even when I am willfully screwing way-the-fuck-up I have this confidence that God’s loving kindness is looking out and watching over me.

But in the real world, I have to answer to people who don’t like my erratic behavior and expect me to feel constant guilt, shame and remorse for doing things that benefited my spiritual growth and hurt parts of their egos that they cannot control, but hey we all have to get the short end of the stick sometime right?

Anyways, what I really wanted to get to was seeing my Psychiatrist today. Yep, real life shit. Small town, classy hick receptionists, dirty, lower-class patients in a clean and tidy state facility. I look and dress better than most of the employees in this place. Everytime I walk in and sit down, I think to myself how sane I am for not sanitizing the seat beforehand. I busy myself on my phone or in my purse to avoid prolonged eye-contact with anybody or reading the Group Therapy and other depressing announcements on the pen-board.  About every other appointment I get to revile in the irony of doctors being able to cancel on me if I am ten minutes late but if they keep me waiting I am just supposed to be graceful; this was one of those appointments.  Finally I go back and get my recert. and blood pressure & weight taken on their magic scale that is ALWAYS ten pounds lighter than ANY other scale in town (I swear it is a gravity hole). Then that mystical moment when I get to see the doctor!

This area is so rural and economically shot that this lucky doctor blesses our town once a week. Most of his patients can only see him every three months. When I do see him he asks if I have felt depressed, how I have managed my meds, about any side effects, maybe a few specific ones he is looking for; he seems to put up with an anecdote I might rattle off but it never really goes into the deep thoughts you know? He is a cute guy, I would say a solid 7 on the “Do me” scale, like country club meets Seth Rogen way-minus the cute curls. We talk more about drugs and alcohol, and prescriptions; he tells me what he is updating. He almost always finishes on how great it sounds like I am handling things and to keep it up.

I schedule another appointment three months out and leave wondering why I don’t feel like anything has been accomplished to aid my mental health??


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