As usual I have a crap load of stuff I wish I had taken time to write down but of course, now that I have the app BACK ON my phone (which lost EVERYTHING when it froze) I can’t really remember a damn creative idea I had.
I know it has been a long time and a lot of shit has happened… because I am just fecking lucky, I guess.
My grandmother passed away, she was the one person who made me feel like I was the most wonderful gift in the world when I was growing up…She gave me a glimpse into working hospice as she passed. Caring for this woman, whom I treasure just because of her unconditional love for me, made me feel like it was a meager, very lacking attempt at repaying her back for all she had given me, something I could never realistically do.
I have read, I know I am not the only one who wishes I knew, without a doubt, that the deceased loved one left this world truly understanding how important her presence was in my life. I know I did not write enough letters, make enough phone calls, spend enough time, or apply her advice enough to my life; things I can never recover now, never express, never ask.
So anyways, after she passed we had to travel to another state for the funeral, which was like a big family reunion: love, “perceived” expectations from family, self-consciousness, & enough stress to corner me more than once…we brought just enough cannabis, mostly in edible caramels, to try and slowly dose it out like the medication it is meant to be. It was very helpful and things like visiting the beach, shopping, and seeing lots of places I grew up, helped to bring time back into focus and keep the manic/depressive pendulum relatively calm. I am so glad to be off prescription drugs that were making me so sick. Cannabis is a wonder herb, make it legal, & keep it natural people.
So now we are back home…still so much to do for closure, going through Grandma’s belongings…the cousins want me to take all her memoirs and write a book–a worthy quest indeed.
As I wait for the rest of the family to be ready for that …I continue pining over a delusion…life goes on: all the doctors appointments, kids’ school, unending laundry and housework, the worst allergies I have had in years. Sometimes I forget Grandma is gone, sometimes I wish really hard that she had at least sat up in bed before she died and reitterated how to tell right from wrong when “that still small voice” has so much company in my brain, how to make boundaries for myself and others regarding myself so I could feel at least a little more grown-up…