Self Absorbed Depression

Music. All I want is music. The world, which I feel is just a maze for us lab rats pretending to be humans with free will, can take a flying fuck to the Bermuda Triangle and disappear…or maybe that’s where I should go…but the family leash is not that long.

How do we get to that place as kids where we sing “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Guess I’ll go eat worms.”? Why do some kids, then adults, grasp that idea faster than others, and some not get it at all?

Even when you have friends and family always showing care and concern for you,
(Wait. This is not about you, I don’t know how you feel or your experiences…THIS IS ABOUT ME.)
Even when you I have friends and family always showing care and concern for you me, I find it hard to believe most people are sincere and honest in their relationship with me.
“Oh you are so pretty(sexy, talented, interesting…whatever)!” they say. Most the time I take these compliments as icing on a cake: sweet but not good for me; or bait on a hook: shiny and appealing until I am hooked and realize the pain intended for me. NO, I won’t  bite, but I do…and I get sick and thrown away…if I am lucky…sometimes I bite and chew so hard … I want to die from the pain, from the embarrassment of not being smarter, from the realization that there is no safe place on this earth. We are all too fucked up to be safe to one another.
A solitary life with God is the only real happiness on earth. As God my sole devotion, the only real companion to trust and listen to; the only real lover to love deeply and share that love between us, by loving myself as much as anything else on this planet. My body is to be His temple so it should be cared for more than any building. My body, mind, and heart are to love Him who lives inside me above all else, so shouldn’t I adore myself, my company, my gifts given by Him, adore ME before anything else in this realm? 

Yeah it just sounds wrong…against the grain, rocking the boat…asking for trouble…better keep my mouth shut and be a good quiet girl who gives all she is until she wishes she was done, used up and thrown away…it feels familiar at least.
That is all.


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