Crutches

So when I was 18, just out of highschool, I went to a concert in a park. A large cottonwood limb fell almost 50 feet nearly killing me and the appleseed of a child in my womb. It came without warning.  I never heard a sound, and in truth, felt very little. Brain swelling is an uncomfortable distress which cannot be comprehended to anything except maybe phantom memory pains (which I have never felt but can imagine the confusion of feeling pain, where nothing exists).

Brain swelling does stop, eventually, after head trauma. I wonder if when you can’t feel the muscle pain, when maybe (?) a random secluded part of your body has been paralyzed? Numb? Unconscious? you don’t feel an injury for years. Then suddenly something brings all that pain back. Chronic pain which maybe I have been feeling, but not conscious of. I was floating around thinking I was past my trauma. I was blind to how many crutches I used or abused to keep that intense muscular and mental pain deeply locked away.  I could believe I am strong, smart, capable and not “permanently damaged” by a stupid fucking tree!!! I mean seriously!? Not a plane, train, of car accident? No, just a branch falling from a tree is all it took to knock my sorry ass out and disqualify me for the battle that is life, success and boundless adventure…because I can’t think straight?! Because I get confused between right or wrong, what address, year, direction I am going? My brain fires backwards and says exactly opposite what I was trying to speak and then the maze of spaghetti thoughts I have to navigate to find the right words and recover any semblance of coheresion.  I don’t want to need people or drugs or music for crutches. I want my fucking brain back! I want to remember what the hell I am supposed to be doing and do the things I set my mind to, not need it done for me…this is my depression. I want to be whole, mindful, successful in achieving my dreams, wise in choosing my paths…is that too much to ask? Can I please be me again?

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