I feel like I am twenty something in my head…I remember being a young mom so fresh, so deep, like a wound that gets cut deeper as I realize My baby is almost five years old. I have a grand baby, I am 43 years old and the mommy thing is coming to the end…and then my body aches, sore and numb and nervous with tension. Am I growing old while my mind feels so young and full of adventure? Am I betraying myself in believing age should not make a difference, I can be strong and healthy and fertile…not just in babies, but in wisdom and work, and climbing the ladder in my revelation…have I peeked?! Does being over the hill mean depression from lost youth, resignation that time withers these grotesque bodies and wondering if our beliefs in an ever after are true.when this body is decayed what will I be? Nothing? Electric impulses? Spiritual light? A ghostly remembrance stuck on earth away from the heavens; a glorious angle, singing in the cosmos….where will all the beauty inside me go?
My children carry on my light, in a way measured against there father’s. He is a good man. I do know where I would be without him as I sit alone, riddled with anxiety that I am going to screw up…somehow, some way I WILL SCREW UP, and I will regret this amazing day…the anxiety thus becomes my screw up as I draw in and ignore those around me in an effort not to stick out like a sore thumb. God I need to floss my teeth.. .