Falling apart, a whine session

My husband is insisting I see new doctors.

A specialist for the two abscesses in my jaw, (lancing, hydrogen peroxide and oils have kept my pain, tolerable, over the last 6 months since the dentist screwed up my mouth). I don’t trust cheap (Medicaid) dentistry any more. I don’t care anymore…smiles are for attracting people and right now I have no one I care to attract and would rather just do without fucking people.

A specialist for my gut. Ever since I was on Topirimate, my taste buds and gut just got worse and worse. My headaches/migraines it was managing are coming back and mostly manageable with high CbD cannabis, but my gut is not getting better after weaning myself off the Topirimate almost six months now? If anyone else out there has taken this shitty drug can you tell me if this sounds familiar, normal?
The first week sweet food tasted like metal and burned my mouth. After a month, on low doses, my appetite weakened, and I had to be very careful what I ate or I felt ill. After six months I was down to one moderate meal a day and small snacks. (Hey the weight loss was great! Who cares if they kept upping my dose to keep the headaches away.)  After a year, when the SMELL of food made me nauseous (pot helped with that too, so I could eat a little) and my hair started falling out I decided to leave prescription drugs behind…until I needed the antibiotics & pain meds for my mouth, but those made me sick too so I didn’t take many of those.
So here it is June. I am not on any prescriptions. I smoke or eat cannabis in small doses, three times a day to keep the head, neck and stomach pains tolerable at best. My doctor says it is IBS. My first born had IBS (among many other issues) and this seems different. I know different people different symptoms and such, but still… all I can seem to eat now is yogurt. Seriously. Yogurt. Plain, I can put a little honey on it, but too sweet and I feel gross. Too tart, and I cannot stand the flavor. I can do kefir and Kombucha in very small doses. I am trying like hell to get and stay healthy. Simply put, I don’t know what or who to trust with my health management and at this point I just feel SAFER letting myself do whatever feels beneficial, and waiting for death.
Please let me die, because I am sick of being in pain from head to toe. I am tired of looking for answers. I am exhausted from physical and emotional bullshit. I don’t care if I caused it with my choices, just let my choices kill me, please. End my struggle to not suffer in every area of life, because my brain cannot handle anymore thinking, any more pain, anymore deciphering of what to do for myself and all the fools who love and rely on me. I am not afraid of death, but living through the slow degradation of this skin I am fenced in, I cannot bare it. Constant pain and insecurities make depression lead to suicide, I don’t want to do that to my kids, so please let it happen naturally. Even better, let it be the prescription drug’s fault and give my family a big settlement for my death pain and suffering…
Time to get stoned…sigh…even something fun, feels like a chore when it is required.


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