Who am I?

Again too many ideas to write on have passed across my memory and disappeared in my ever busying schedule. Now I am bored and want to write, but don’t want to just talk about my petty emotions (wish I was #Vulcan) or I wish I had a friend who could read my mind and talk to me with energy instead of words…oh wait I do, a couple…my husband and my lover….My lover is off on a new adventure and I have to patiently wait for him to wear her out before I get my piece of heaven back. My husband is working away and points out frequently how I do not treat him as romantic and just try to placate him with sex, when I want sex, because I see him more as a father or guardian…sigh…I love both and give all of who I am for each, and tho sometimes I feel spoiled and just blessed to sometimes have my cake and eat it so to speak, other times I still feel like, maybe there is a person out there who has all the good and some of the bad things I like about my two men with something even better thrown in…like being able to talk to and teach me. The lover sometimes does this, we talked for over an hour on the original Tarzan novels, things time and culture committed from the plot that made the books sound so much more interesting (as the originals usually are!). It was fiction, it was not moral conflict or political inconsequential bologny.  So it was more interesting to me…selfish…I am always selfish…but it is so nice doing and being someone different than I usually am…Are these different personalities inside me trying to break free and have self realization? Or am I just a very different woman who feels she has to perform and please and meld myself into the kind of person, whoever I am with, would want to love and care for? 
I actually dream of being in the situation of Naked and Afraid, the only reality show I like. But I don’t want cameras, I don’t want a safety net. I want to see who I am when I am alone. Who would I really be? It has been so long, if ever, that I felt alone enough to know who I was am becoming.  My husband has suggested weeks at nunneries or other Christian type retreats, and while that sounds beneficial, it would not leave me alone.  Would I still get anxious and hypersexual if I was alone? Anytime people are around my pheromones rev up, my temperature increases, I start to get nervous and then I start looking….nice body no soul, nice soul but too much baggage showing in their health(everyone has baggage, but some travel together better than others in a relationship).  I am happy in my marriage, I only want to compare bagged maybe LOL (THATS A JOKE, kinda)…anyways, hypersexual does not mean the same as a sex addict. A sex addict wants sex, needs sex. I like sex, but no matter what I do, my body turns on whether I approve or not.these people who are attracted to me are so interesting, each so very unique. I want to know them, then I want to comfort them, sometimes I want to give them release…I am really hoping that going to massage school will be a happy medium. Caring for people touching them, and not feeling like I have to have sex with them, and having a professional barrier to protect myself. 

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. soulvoid1977 · June 30, 2016

    I can relate alot with the need to feel connected and be educated in the arms of someone else. I hate that I have these feelings, they used to overwhelm me. I still get them…I find myself keeping my eyes on the floor of a crowded store as to avoid making eye contact. I suffer daily, the demon in me wants to befriend, and fix everyone elses problems. I find mine lack alot of the time, I find myself mentally turned on in an innocent conversation. I seem to have no boundaries, its only because I am married I feel shameful for having the thoughts. I last acted them out in 2010. I confessed only in February or March of this year. The idea of a clear cut line while being able to feel others energy and give some of my own energy but knowing the line. I need CLEAR CUT lines. That sounds beautiful. I am actually quite good at massage.

    Like

  2. PipTanager · July 13, 2016

    honestly, in america, it seems like everyone is hypersexual, if not a sex addict. i used to think I had to be a whore because i loved touching myself from a young age. then i grow up and learn that most of my friends were masturbating too. you want to know what’s best? going for a little walk in the woods to a place where no one’s around, getting naked and making love to yourself 😉

    Like

    • NobodyknowsMom · July 13, 2016

      I think we have a lot in common 😉

      Like

    • NobodyknowsMom · July 13, 2016

      Society as a whole, but maybe especially in America, we have closed off from each other, no trust because of all the differences instead of focusing on the commonalities and building close relationships. So we all hunger for intimate connection, similar to sex. The differences between being lonely, a sex addict, and hypersexual are shady, but can be made clearer I think. As a “hypersexual” I think the biggest difference is even when I don’t want sex, people think I want sex. I get the impression my pheromones and general energy is just sexual. Even when I cover up, dress drab, I am told how sexy I am😒 ( I am average really.) How much is animal instinct to procreate and how much is just unfulfilled hunger to be loved?

      Like

  3. PipTanager · July 13, 2016

    I see you, and I can relate to sexy vibes. Some people are naturally more obviously sexy, in a way that has little to do with actual looks, but more to do with pheromones or body language. and it can be totally subconscious, and your question is right on. Like with most things, it’s probably both. If it feels really good to get undesirable attention then it means we were too hungry to start and are settling for non-edible substances. where’s the real nourishment?

    Like

  4. NobodyknowsMom · July 13, 2016

    Wow, yeah, exactly. We can get everything (nourishment) from /God/Divinity. If a person follows that belief or whatever, all religions have about the same story, God created the “perfect man” who had God has a real physical companion 24/7 &even then saw that humans physically, emotionally spiritually need each other. Yet, we deny it.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s