I have a perfect life. I have a husband who provides and adores me. He’s not perfect, nobody is. He has his asshole moments, mostly when he complains about his failures, and general state of things, life isn’t perfect, get over it, (don’t accept it, just stop bitching). Overall, however, I am really fucking blessed to have had him in my life for the last 25 years.   Add to that my amazing 7 children, such unique, amazing individuals I am jealous they are so much better than me and have such a better life than their dad or I had (even if they don’t realize it now, and it is a matter orperspective of reality). So why would I choose to place this perfect life in jeapordy?

Living in this moment right now, I see too many possible choices, too many ways thing can work out. Like Worf jumping through alternate reality clouds (bonus points if you can tell me which episode of ST-NG that was because I want to see it again). 

What scares me is the losing-my-family-homeless-living-in-my-car-starving-collage student (thank you Pell grants for school!) alternate reality choice…why does the hardest path have to be the one that calls the strongest?? How fucked up is that to be standing on the edge of new house, better culture and higher social standing and “the American dream” and think “oh God no. I can’t change schools after waiting so long to finally get in -It won’t happen! I will be stuck at home again. I don’t want to be a soccer mom! (No offense, but I am not mentally well and that life looks like a stressed out repressed nightmare to me!!) I will go crazy acting out, rebelling against the acceptable status quo. I want balance, and freedom I want my spirit to soar wild and free barefoot in the forest caring for strangers and unwanted people showing them how peace and love is unencumbering, letting go of society being poor and unbridled and out of the system…that thing we see on the streets and shutter at: the hitch-hiking hippie, the homeless ex-executive that went crazy after failing (if he had cared more about life than comfort he would be in the same place but still have his wits about him!), addicts trying to escape as an excuse to drop out, just drop out fuck excuses and breakdowns who needs that shit!?? I want a real life, with honest humbleness, I want balance and calm and no serious stress, loose calendars and plenty of time to pray and sing and express the wonderment I feel at loving our world and the people in it…it all just seems so fucking contrary. Material”peace” that leads to spiritual unrest; or Material unrest and spiritual devotion. 
Ouch, is socialism the great evil because by providing for all the people’s needs the people sell their souls?  When you lose the need to struggle and fight for your life, what meaning does life have?

Also there is this love matter…I just can’t even wrap my head around my confusing thoughts and deviances when it comes to love…completely unacceptable to the “normal” conservative person…part of me is so vanilla, vanilla has MORE SPICE! &then there is that spectrum wild-kinky-depraved all fun in theit own right, but vague boundaries that are easy to cross just for the adventure…sometimes it is hard to know what decisions you will or won’t regret.

Love with individuals, love when you grew together and deeply invest in each other…why are people so tunnel visioned when it comes to loving each other?? One or nothing? I have seven children, and miscarried in the middle of them at 8 weeks, so eight in my heart. I love each of those children in amazing different ways according to who they are. I do not love one more than the other. I could not bare the loss of any one of them. Just having them move more than an hour away breaks my heart! I love spending time with them, I learn from our arguments and discussions and every moment with one, some or all of them is a picture of human connections through such varied personalities, it is breathtaking.

Somehow, the intimate love a husband and wife share is supposed to be limited however? Like a spectrum painting only in one colour? Like only one type of flower in the whole world? Like only one breed of animal, in the WHOLE WORLD?  Where would the wonderment be if the entire land scape were flat? I love every detail of life, I love every difference. I like when my sheets and pillow cases match, but i hang different pictures on every wall. I love people. Some people I love a lot. Some people I want to grow to know more deeply and intimately than others. People I want to know and grow to know deeply never leave my heart and I never want to leave them behind…
But all I can do is breathe, and be patient to see what physics of the situation have been in place without my knowing. I can never hope to be smart enough to know the divine equation.


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