Sometimes, when getting close to the edge, we tell people things. Ideas, brainstorms, panicked scenarios of how we think we can fix things…people rarely listen, let alone take someone seriously.
After my last post some thought I was suicidal. Maybe. My cousin hung himself, my dad and I equally wondering if it was cowardess or bravery, or both. Can’t face life, but can face death which most people can’t face.
I admit that death of my children is uncomfortable to think about. I would miss them terribly, but I would also feel they were probably better off. This world is harsh. I believe there is a next plain, heaven, hell, limbo, reincarnation, the 5th dimension, whatever you want to call it. Unless your existence completely stops, like I felt mine did during a surgical wisdom tooth extraction, whatever it is can’t be much worse, but might be than this place.
So, I have had enough. The world, the kids, the lovers and the wannabes, no more. I have escaped. I drove as far as a quarter tank of gas would get me into the mountains set up a tent and made a lovely fire. I organised my food, put a can of corn beef hash in the fire and a pot of water on the edge to heat up. As I sat amazed that I had actually got away I made a soup of V8, beef jerky and a special mushroom. The stars are amazing with lightening highlighting the aspens occasionally. I put all the food away and climbed into my tent to finish my soup and write after I made a good stack of firewood for the morning. A huge log and some smaller ones should still be going gently by morning. Other than the damn phone (which is a good outlet to write on) I am alone. Only nature’s wild sounds. Sparse rain sounds like footsteps. Insects tapping the tent to get at the light sound like rain. The wind through the aspens sound like a water fall.
I brought my flute to play. I am almost done with my soup, and almost ready to go to sleep. I should. I am hoping if nothing else I have awaking spiritual dreams. Talk to me, God, universe, give me something good. Show me how to over come the obstacles in my mind and life. Otherwise, why am I living?