Home again, but not home

I have an ultrasound appointment this morning. No food or drink allowed. 😔 I had such a horrible migraine when I left to camp and the mushroom, pot, meditation, skinny dipping, nothing was helping so I packed mist my stuff up took two benadryl and half a cyclobenzaprine, and crawled into my sleeping bag. I had taken off the rain fly so I could just lay and look at the stars. So I woke up at 1:20 am, and felt great. No more headache! I finished packing up camp doused the log that was left in the fire, and went to see my lover.

I was so so SO looking forward to climbing into bed with him…something about him makes me not care about the dirty house or dirty sheets…he makes it all smell so good and feel so relaxed. Usually the door is unlocked and I just sneak in pet the dog undress and climb in bed. He curls around me like we have been separated far too long and if I can calm my excitement from being with him I sleep so much better so relaxed…but he locked the door last night. So I had to come home. Pretty heartbreaking.

Two of the kids were still up when I got in. I remembered no food or drink after midnight so hugged them brushed my teeth and went to bed.my husband was surprised to see me, but it couldn’t stop there…along with cuddles and a nice massaging I had to play therapist and listen to him go over all his wants and desires and loneliness and basically how badly I make him feel because I am not who he needs me to be. 

This puts me in that place with her. That one I was talking about in my previous post. The one who just wants to be a good perfect girl and give everyone what they need to be happy regardless of how it makes me feel. Fuck me, it doesn’t matter if I feel soiled, used, abandoned, as long as I am making everyone else around me feel loved, cherished and happy..I am supposed to sit in the corner and get over my ugly selfish idea that how I feel matters. I hate that self righteous bitch. I don’t want to kill me I want to kill her, long slow and painfully…maybe that is what I am doing.
Edit/post script:7 August, 2026

After a week at home, I started to see something…I started to see that this other person who is so confused about her roll in life and how to be GOOD to be loved and liked by all…I am beginning to question if that is me at all…I really kind of think it is my husband-who in weird ways keeps trying to be me. Has it always been that we liked the same things, or has he always tried to show me how much better he is at the stuff I want to learn and do…and like if he IS “better” at things like painting, cooking, writing, massage, parenting, cleaning, this that and the other, does that mean I am obligated to do things his way?  

We are very different people in the way we grew up, in the families, cultures, and ideals that form the foundations of who we are as individuals. We have tried so hard to be that perfect long lived married couple, to not “fail” and divorce-the way our parents did! that not only did we enmesh beyond healthy boundaries, we transposed. 

Sometimes it is an awesome amazing thing when a couple is so insync, so similar to each other, they complete each other’s sentences, they agree on restaurants without a second thought, or attention to detail. 

We wanted that. Too much. First I went his way. Forget who I am, ignore that he picks what we eat because his choices are always better for some reason…and now he forgets his conviction because he wants needs loves me so much and if I won’t bend anymore then he feels he has to. I was young, foolish, and easily let my Self go. He is trying so hard, but I cannot let him do it. Christ may have said, die to yourself that you may live in me; but he also said, LOVE YOURSELF, as you love your neighbor. Live IN HIM, in Divinity, in wisdom,in LOVE for all creation. Die to Self, greed, fear, ego, pain those things don’t have to be a part of your life anymore!  Do not die to your spouse, your spouse’s SELF. LOVE their SELF as you LOVE your SELF. Do I really need to expand on that? Maybe later…I am tired.

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