Who is she?

So I am tripping I guess. All these faces and masks and neon lights behind my eyes.. I squint to type this but just realised in every scenario…OK almost all? But not quite, my thoughts refers to the body as she…like there is someone else living my life.and I don’t fucking know that person. I know things about her. She was molested. She always loved sex, I feel like that is all I am to her…sex.. but I am so much MORE!!! I WANT TO SCREAM IT AT HER?!  I want to hit her until she wakes up and fucking talks to me!! Tell me what separates us?? Because she is supposed to fill this God awful hole and emptiness inside me!   She is supposed to be my friend when NO ONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS!!! WHERE IS SHE? hey can’t I get her to look at me as she just sits there so happy and smug about all she has done and is doing. Little miss perfect. So happy with everything, thinks she is so clean so much as made her dirty!  But she does care…no one cares.  Because I am just crazy trying to find her trying to understand and get through to her.. I need God. Jesus will give me what I need…hello????? I got him. He is wrapped around my little finger and I kiss his feet as I wash them with my tears. He is MY lover. She can do anything she wants to me but I am whole and worthy and he loves me  and he lives her. I love her. We are both so sad to cut her off like this.  To tell that sweet perfect girl she is not perfect. She can never be perfect. She is just a sorry fucked up human being and she can either love me and God or she can keep feeling that limitless she tries to cover up so well. I know she needs me and misses me and together we play these games but who is she? Why does she hurt me so much?? Does she feel the pain or is it just me??  

Weird I got turned around thinking the camp fire was on my right and then startled when it cracked loudly on my left…thunder to the east gently…eyes tired need sleep.

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