Ya got do that in a real slow phonetic way to real get that dumbfounded sound that is the collective of my thought process for the last few weeks…
Everything will be used against me. Nothing is safe, no one else is involved. Life is all about charity…and then it isn’t charity FOR YOU it is charity to feel better about themselves, but he’ll take what you can get and love people by making them feel good about them selves. Always be wary tho. Don’t do anything that anyone can use against you- and that comes down to a matter of your own conscience. If you believe in a god, what will you be able to say to him about your life…seriously? Is your God going to punish you somehow if you don’t recycle? Or if you abort your baby? Or sleep around? Is it realitive moralism … Or is it judging others how you wish to be judged? Personally I don’t want to judge or hurt anyone. Not choosing to hangout with certain people isn’t a judgement call. It is a blessings call. Can this person and I enhance each others’ well being, or will it be more harmful, or just plan unproductive?  Taking comfort in a friendship is a good thing. Being a support in a friendship is a good thing. Being lovers in a friendship is a complete thing. Not just a surface patronising, but deep intimacy, trust, and openess, no boundaries on each other for the sake of humility or ego and that takes self acceptance. That takes time. 

I have been using the swing set in my new surroundings. It is the old sturdy kind schools had when I was growing up. I like to pump my legs and build up speed. I love how my stomach tightens and oils on my back so I have to tighten it more…if I get going fast and high enough my pelvic floor starts to pull and tighten and suddenly the work feels like sex my hands gripping tight to the chains as my arms and core fight to keep me on the swing and the whole body motion maintains the momentum, it is hard to stop, too much sensation to keep going. My head rises above the support bar and I can’t help but laugh and feel like and idiot out in public, breathing deep pumping and holding on in what feels like gentle but intense effort. Does anyone else imagine those noises sound an awful lot like when I have sex…I tell myself to be quiet and I try to hold it in, but that just makes the build up and falling sensation even harder to bare and with a few more deep breaths with the struggle to hold on I start to slow…my feet touch the ground but still I must hang on wait for the swing to stop so I don’t hurt my self with the impact of gravity and ground colliding… finally I can jig off the seat and try try try to catch my breath fold in my wings b r e a t h e deep and deeper until the desire to faint fades away and my land legs have stability. After a session like this Tuesday, after walking back to my home and climbing into bed, I swear it felt like a sonic bomb went off in my uterus. It was not an orgasm, with the clenching and releasing of the pelvic floor and kegals in those oh so familiar ways, this was an explosive wave of energy that radiated so strong and struck a note in each chakra point…from my pubis out to my head…it felt like something magical happened, but I don’t want to expect too much. I just want to be open and honest with myself and the expectations I just can’t trust or put any value on need to be ignored and allowed to happen or not happen in what ever way they can with me being an influence…how naive is that?

School starts Monday. God I hope I can still hack it.


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