Challenged

…myself…I dont really accept challenges from others because I know I generally forget and let them down…I would normally let myself down…weak with desire…yes the deepest of my sins…lust…which I rationalize as an intense need to give love to those in need…always looking for the worthy one who doesnt need me but somehow, doesnt reject me and leaving me feeling lonely or relieved to be alone.

I dont want to be alone. I dont want to get trapped in my own routines and dogma and all that shit that drives me bat shit crazy….but yet I dont want to compromise my own comforts…Perfect (who now seems imperfect or just proof of my state of delusion) any ways that irish heartache seemed to call it “Coexistence” but I didnt see in him a desire to serve those he might be coexisting with….everything was so separate.  But I miss enmeshment…I dont want ego and powerplays and control or jealousy…but I do want compassion and service to each other…I want bodies sweatie and hot against each other but holding on for the dear comfort of feeling hearts beat against each other.

I want a love and joy to be together to bend the depths and highths of peace and elation. I want someone I can constantly admire for their honor and consistency of morals. Common sense versus hypocrisy?

I am trying so hard to be slow and patient and to totally be honest about reality to the clearest of my perceptions. I want to be balanced. I want to erase self manifested negative situatiins ie NO DRAMA. NO PAINFUL EMOTIONS. ..I am just too scared of what the world is becoming to want to feel anymore of that negativity. I want to show the world how to live in love and peace and acceptance of all life…I want this so much it hurts deeply, painfully…no anger please. But you can still spank my ass πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‚πŸ˜

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