The ultimate excuse

Safety. Isn’t that all that’s ever lacking? Will I be safe in this environment?

This image will make everyone feel something different and I am not alone in how I feel, but I wonder if I can express my feels in a way those who don’t have the same response could understand?

When I leash my dog it is to protect him from people, places, circumstances that he is curious about but doesn’t have the judgement, self control, wisdom to avoid harm.

Sometimes I feel this way. I don’t want to have self control. I want to walk up to strangers, feel and stick my nose their goods.

I can dream about being on a leash, a long one, and being dressed how I like to dress, just an open invitation to “pet me!”. Not being concerned because I know at the end of my leash is someone who will love and protect me and not let anyone steal me or hurt me.

I want this when I don’t feel strong or wise enough to protect myself. When I want to bolt and explore, sniff out adventure and excitement.

No place feels very safe as I watch my son die, my money run out, bills and chores pile up. Life will go on, and somehow I will find peace and wisdom to live gracefully, create my own safety. Until then, I am in battle, it isn’t a constant fight, but it is never far away. Rebellion is my camouflage, gorilla tactics, savage anarchy, and I wish I was leashed so I could act out all my pain, fear, frustration, while this ultimate excuse is such an easy scapegoat. My baby, has cancer. My 28 yr old son is dying. Life isn’t fair, death is inevitable but always a surprise.

Conformity blocks, refines, bottles emotions and leaves my soul an industrial wasteland. Hold my leash while I return to the wild, hold on tight while I run and lash out, let me live without boundaries, keep me from hurting anyone, except myself.

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