You constantly impress me… Keep me longing for and wanting you…questioning my own motivation, what makes me worthy, valuable, desirable… What do I do with myself to keep you feeling, interacting with me the way you have and the way I love…I worry, “how do I keep him from getting bored with me?” But you’re so kind to me and encourage me so much, that I follow that with, “why does ‘growth’ in a relationship coincide with an idea of boredom? Am I more worried about his boredom and complacency or my own?”
I’m not sad, really only slightly concerned. I’ve already admitted I hold this hopeful place in my heart that you will be the best friend and lover I’ve always longed for, for the rest of my life…I also admitted I don’t give that space much power, trust, because I have lost that intimacy with so many others. I can’t trust myself to not be weak, hurt by the natural evolution of intimate relationships I have learned from.
You helped me understand why I push so many people away not wanting to give of myself to superficial “friends”. I want depth. I want intimacy. I want to be authentic; I want to fully know and understand myself. I feel I need to be surrounded by people who are willing to see, ask, and hear these deeper conversations. It is a scary vulnerable desire, but anyting less leaves me empty and alone.
So here I am with my life so full of transition. My lover, my best friend, who I want to share and whom I hope can feel comfortable sharing me. I wonder if polyamoury is my choice from fear, insecurity, or selfishness.
Am I afraid I am not enough, or do I want validation that I am the best? Am I afraid of going deeper, trusting one person alone, with ALL of me? Do I want other relationships to protect me from investing too much hope in an unpredictable future? Or maybe I am addicted to the fires of fresh passions, devaluing a relationship (myself) when the hunger has been satiated and I am no longer the new adventure to be tasted, explored, devoured… This seems/ to hold weight, my narcissism, my selfish insecurity that if I don’t feel that passion in your touch, hunger in your kiss… If I don’t feel FROM you, what I feel FOR you …. Is it me? Am I normal? Is that unrealistic to expect? Are deep hungry kisses just a passing phase in every relationship? Why is that so important to me? (because I expect to get old and hope that making-out will never be lost to me …)
Why do I want other lovers? Sometimes, I want sex, intimacy, to be more fun? Not kinky, sexy, grown-up “fun”, but kids play. I long to drop the pretenses, fears and go back to the curiosity of childhood. We can read all about orgasms and how the body is made and works but we get shamed as kids for playing and doing “naughty things” with our bodies as kids. Guess what? I am a grown-up and can do anything I want if it doesn’t break a law or hurt anything. So, can I have friends that admit to and seek the curiousity and playfulness we had as children? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours? and let’s see what fits in these holes we have? I just want life to stay fun, funny, curious, interesting…worth living.
Can growing up not be so much about “acting mature and well behaved”? Can being friends and lovers be a space to not be “grown-up”? I want play dates.