The sexuality thing

The labels: nymphomaniac, hyper-sexual, cougar, kitten, slut….

The trauma: parents divorce, molestation, abuse, TBI, gas-lighting, drama cycle, divorce, death of child

The coping mechanisms?

I am so fucking horny. My libidio is just fucking scaring me. Maintaining professional boundaries is still going good, and I recognize the cycle of itching temptation, it just seems stronger right now. If I’m attracted to the spirit I want, need, long, hunger for the body. I just want the body; I want no boundaries.

I stop myself because I have matured (or been broken?) enough to recognise I want to BE WANTED.

{Intrusive thought: Do the preyed upon have an instinctual desire, not just programming from trauma, to be victims? Is that why some animals seem to kamikaze into traffic? and could that coincide with the theory that each life is a quantum equation, trauma being the negative intergers to balance the equation… The victims programming serves the positive purpose in another equations trauma thus shadow and light connect in the collective}

So between these random glimpses of comprehension, momentary life distractions, all I can think and feel is my body. It whispers, sighs, moans, groans, screams “touch me, fuck me, get me fucked, sucked, squeezed!” My breasts ache. I want a breast pump just so I can have them both suckled so hard it burns as they remember to make milk. My pussy, honestly, she has always felt a bit like her own entity, commanding the rest of me to serve (cock) and satisfy (cock) her desire to (cock) know (cock) feel ( cock, wet, orgasmic, full) and taste (cock, pussy, all the fluids) the world, THE WORLD.

I do not serve my pussy; my pussy serves me. I am on constant guard to hold my thrown…. A thrown I don’t think I have ever really owned…at least not to the point of satisfying my sexuality. Pussy was the shameful beast kept hidden but fed, only displayed for temporary entertainment, “wow” the audience kind of stuff. It’s hazey but I think as I take more responsibility for the rest of me (fulfilling life/worldly/physical dreams while I have a physical life) I see Pussy and I need to rule this life together.

Yes, I am attracted to people and can touch them professionally without crossing boundaries. I can have a personal life in which my sexual desires are fulfilled.

I can acknowledge that when I am not with my king I want all the lusty, delicious things with no thought other than energizing, power snacks. When I am with my king … (Why do I become sheepish?!) I want to own my hunger. I want to have the power to go slow, feed, feel my body satiated piece by delectable piece. Romance, tenderness, attention to the depth and detail in each other, vulnerability, passion, comfort, safety, security, finding the empowerment in ourselves through each other.

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