Prunning

Sometimes it is SO HARD to let go of something that has brought comfort and joy. We hold tight, ignore the pain that creeps in as we white knuckle circumstances hoping things get easy again…some times they do, sometimes I have to realize it is time for a different path.

I finally made up my mind being attached to a person to feel loved and safe, valued and secure was really just false hope. Very few people can feel that way in themselves, let alone for another person. I don’t want to burden anyone, tho I know I do and am so grateful my parents help me SO MUCH. I hope that being in my family, being my friend, is nothing but a joy and blessing to those in my life.

I became determined in a short week to feel the same about romance. Only the highest of expectations in myself and for one I could wholeheartedly love and trust would be satisfactory. I didn’t really know what that looked like. I tried making a list in my head as several friends had suggested. What do I really want?

Friendship, some one to talk to, easy to carry on a conversation and not be worried about frustration or negativity causing harsh feelings and distance between us.

Balance, equality is a farse. I cannot and do not want to be equal to a partner, I want to be recognized for my unique weaknesses and strengths and I will honor and do the same. This is true respect and honor for another spirit being.

I made this list in my head, giving myself freedom to be as picky as I want. I decided I would keep dating, talking to people who were lonely but I would not expect anything from them because no one could possibly meet my expectations because I was gonna make sure that was the case.

Then it happens… Easy conversation, motivated ambitions, self-examination, self-awareness, gentlemanly but not up-tight, open-minded but still grounded and logical and not flakey or spacey. How or why did this choose to happen in this time of my life when I was ready to forget about connecting deeply with another person, I was ready to accept I was weird and would be forever alone because there was no one who could love me, like me… And then boom here he is, and I am being challenged to accept this kind of love and friendship I was ready to dismiss as fantasy.

It seems when we allow ourselves to let go of something we held onto for so long we grow bigger, better, faster. Now I have a love that is blooming more sweet and fragrant than I have ever known before. I unexpected as it is, I refuse to stand in disbelief, because this love is everything I have asked for, why should I expect any less?

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And if it were…

Not sure if it’s the moon or the weed; my imagination has been running wild.

I found THE MAN he found me he says what I feel and seems to agree with what I say…and then there is an honesty that the darkness feels a need to test because truth must be tested to be made real.

So while I have let some things go, I still wonder what would happen if I were to face that “perfect lottery ticket” the emotional liar, the Gemini.

I still maintain a facade of my “man harem” I lean more towards platonic friendships and save the bennies for special occasions… My lover says he understands. I try to say he is free to do the same and I don’t want to sabotage this new place of amazing love and trust because of what my ex would call “rationalization” . I HATE him for filling me with such self doubt. That was truly his greatest sin, telling me I can’t trust myself, my instincts, my knowledge of ME! So I have to find peace in the confidence that my choices are me, not him, not the church, not my parents…me…little itty bitty tiny me CAN grow up without becoming stagnant, bitter and old.

I always think of making lists of goals and then I worry I will be disappointed by having made expectations… So where is the happy medium? Filing it under my imagination I guess…

I like it when it rains. I like it when the lights go out. When everyone is still and quiet because the rain keeps them in and everyone is calm and quiet for just a little bit. That is what the world is missing.. a collective silence.

I used to search for my tribe until I learned I belong in a web.

I miss my family but they we’re not my own. I have changed or they we’re lead away from me. I am foreign, unique, bazaar, alluring, but uncomfortable. I am tired of pets whom cannot grow emotionally but are forever children. I still struggle with longing for a child in which I can “get it right”… The perfect pregnancy, birth, and relationship of caretaker and teacher, in which upon their indepence, I would feel I had done my best to equip them for a peaceful purposeful existence.

I want to see the world. I want to travel by train through every continent. Taking ships to those I must. Of course doing this consequtively would likely be too consuming of time and money so a plane trip might be thrown in here and there to free things up a bit…

And if the walrus got me pregnant would the Man still travel, learn, teach and grow, with me, with us? How many preconceived notions can I unstitch in a life time?

I write

I know I talk to much. I type, I text, I write. I play music constantly. I hate sitting still alone, stillness is for cuddles and meditation, which I don’t do well. Cuddles lead to sex and meditation leads to sleep. Part of me wants true, deep love and connection (which I feel is only ever deep enough when I am pregnant, when that love is literally inside me sharing body, mind and spirit. Weirdness, insecurities, I don’t know anyone else who discribes this need this way..) I am close but not yet accepting of my fertility fading away. I don’t like the responsibility of cats and dogs let alone tiny humans…so mentally I am like “God, fix this! Put these things in balance naturally” still waiting on that… I like sex. I like when my lover is skin to skin and the sweat makes our bodies warm and stuck together. The salty smells and tastes, the warmth and texture of another body. The feel of hands on my skin… Those rare moments when I don’t have to move and give but relax and accept…

I am an open book. I tell my lovers everything. Being open seems like the “Midas Touch” my words my feels turn into golden treasure, solid, palpable, but it becomes too easy to accidentally touch on something that I can’t make fluid again. Words set in stone can weigh the spirit of another down. I can’t predict what,when,or how so I reach this capacity warning where I think, oh God! I have talked (texted, messaged) this person so much they aren’t responding they are closing off, shutting down, walking away…why can’t I shut the fuck up? The panic makes it worse. I am compulsed to write more. It may start in the journals, pen and paper, or here in the “somebody listen to me! But Good, please don’t judge me or take me seriously” forum, but the release has to come and orgasm won’t do it just words upon words until it spills into art because words still aren’t fluid enough and my body is too tired to dance any more for a while at least… I need to soak and get the toxic out but until that opportunity I write.

Too long

I haven’t picked up a pen in a while, haven’t blogged or done much writing at all because life was busy and boring and not where I wanted to be focused on because it just makes no sense to me…. We don’t own our homes we pay for convenience that makes life only more complicated…I am trying to assimilate in a social and cultural structure that seems the most ass-backwards way to exist. I want to be a part of it. I want to know I have the ability/capabilities to survive and feel less out of place, even though I know for certain I LIKE MYSELF and I don’t want to lose my uniqueness, my joy and trust that life is meant to be easy and delightful.

So I met a new guy. Pretty sure we have crossed paths before but the pull was brushed off due to circumstances. So we had time to change and grow and create a situation the gave us time to really see each other. The slight tug of strangers passing in the night seems to have grown by gravitational proportions. No one before him means anymore than a friend to play cards with and I cannot imagine anyone coming after him…and while it feels like it should be a scary concept– it feels like the safest place in the cosmos.

I see and feel these feels and just shake my head and pray I never have cause to doubt my judge of a man. Please don’t let him be another user… I know the game, I have played it well and can keep my emotions clean when I know from the beginning it won’t work as a growing engaging partnership…. People think I am so flakey, and I know in a lot of ways I am but real life, the spirit, the body/vessel of the spirit, I try to be completely respectful of that relationship inside each of us. I strive to be honest because building up expectations just makes disappointment so I say, I don’t like the way you kiss, or I say I will want to argue with you too much… I voice theses things that tell me I won’t be satisfied in this relationship so don’t expect me to stay around… But when I don’t feel those things… When I can’t find that reason, with simple obviousness, well then I am easily duped. Our kisses are perfect. He loves to touch me and loves that I love to touch him. We make love and fuck the full spectrum. We can talk forever. It seems simple. I know nothing is ever simple, it is always intricate, delicate, a simple moment can make a chip that cracks and brings the whole euphoria into disphoria. I don’t want to give it power I don’t want to speak that thing that disappointment into existence but I don’t want to be blindsided by it either!

So at two weeks and four amazing encounters, I am so far gone I can’t decide if I am drowning or swimming I just know I went in head first and am too deep to come up for air.

And it feels really good to write it all out someplace to be heard without feeling like I am burdening someone who doesn’t want or need to worry about me.

The daily report…

It occured to me tonight that I have no one to answer to. I jumped from my parents, to my marriage, to a couple different boyfriends all of whom I had to report: “I am going to the grocery store, I stopped at the thrift store, I need to get gas, I am on my way home…” Right here, right now, NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. I want or need to go to the store it is up to me.i stay at a friends longer than anticipated, don’t have to tell anyone I am running late. It is rather liberating.

Dont get me wrong I know if I went out of contact for more than a week tons of people would be hunting me down; I am loved. (Un deservedly so…) but I am not leashed.

I kind of want to be leashed… I want a man, a relationship, that all the love songs apply to… someone to share things with…someone that pulls me close so we can touch each other when we are just stting… someone I can pull close in the night… someone I can take care of when they are in a funk and someone who wants to take care of me when I am scattered… and that kiss and touch and communication make life, easier to live.

I dont want to be tied to eaxh other and answering to each other every second of the day. I dont want to HAVE to do all the dishes, I want somone who can clean up after themselves and be organized more than not. I call him mr perfect but he isn’t, nobody is perfect and whoever this fantasy man is I know there will be flaws but they will be ones that he is aware of and just needs a little reminder now and then to take care of himself, to keep striving to be the of himself… And I will love him beyond reason and can trust that he won’t use that against me, or take advantage of my giving nature, nor will he find me clingy but he will be grateful for all my trust and affection….. when we finally are together, I know it will be worth the rest of life’s bs.

Fears.

I was early trained to be afraid, mainly of getting into trouble. Breaking rules. Being punished, even for things I didnt do, or did not understand.

Around age 7? A Bible/Missionary story made me afraid of watching my children be tortured with the fear of watching mommy be murdered for her beliefs (that turned out to be a euphemism for my divorce).

Now, as I try so very hard to make a way for myself in the big world, alone and outside of being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother of 8, my biggest fear, really seems to be boundaries. That thing I lack almost completely so I dont understand, truly, why people get upset. I mean no ill-will. I try and hope that I am clean, attractive, appealing to the people around me… but I dont wear a bra, and I dont shave (I grow until I can afford to wax- and I like bot, hairy me, & hairless me, very much!).

So when someone says they dont like hairy women, I feel like I am in trouble. I feel like my person is offending their boundaries and I back away. Then I figure, if they like me, the parts of me that matter in real spirit, then they will come to me, they will want to touch me so that I know, they are open to my touch. Personally, this doesnt happen often.. and when I am left alone beside a body I feel unwelcome to touch, then I feel unwelcome.

I know this is my perception, my fuck up. I cannot read minds.

What if… you were in a sci-fi movie. This clarevoient tells you, as your character is poised to die, with just a glimer of hope, but the prophet says, “no, there is no way out, you are going to die any minute.”

And this person is NEVER WRONG,

You look at this science geek, fortune telling, officer of your space station and know this is the last person you will be with… even if there is only friendship, a mere acquaintance, and little attraction, would you not want to kiss them, hold them and be held in those final moments. Would it matter who you were with, in that last moment of life, or would you rather be alone?

If we are to live in each moment like we could die in the next; if every consequence relies on divine truth being lived/shared; how do people stand being so disconnected from each other?? Why do I feel so ashamed of wanting to love people who dont want my love?

40+ and dating

I recently read an article about the benefits of dating women in their 40s. It was was mostly aimed at men, but I was reading it to see what I could identify with or maybe what I am missing.

The point that stuck out most was that women in their 40s supposedly know what we want– well, shit… that got me thinking what DO I WANT?

Someone else asked me what I wanted in our relationship “balls to the walls”. I broadly replied, “you, me, life.” He moved on, so I guess that wasn’t a good answer. So then I had to start thinking in specifics.

I can easily say what I dont want. I dont want drama. I dont want to be control or be in control. I want communication. I want openness and trust with logic and reason AND concern for mental well being of each other.

I want morning music and dancing; meditation with breakfast; showers together after morning massage/yoga/strength training. Work, whether together or apart, whether on the homested (house cleaning, property improvement, gardening), or at a career/ money making; productivity and accomplishments that can be discussed over lunch and planned for the afternoon. Then the daily cleanup and preperation for the evening which is the reward for the day and should always be some kind of celebration or reaffirmation that life is good and tomorrow will be another good day!

I love going out just enough to stay connected to family, friends and my little corner of the world. I am not a social butterfly, you wont see me sipping all the flowers I pass, but more of an elusive creature sipping and pollenating from only the most nurshing of nectars.

So, 2018 basically began with all three relationships I was involved in to some degree, disolving in their own unique ways… the oldest and youngest are the hardest to lose, which seems fitting, and nothing is ever done evolving but for now I am trying to steep back and wait for the relationship I need and desire to come to me. I am tired of saying “this is me and I want to get to know you!” I want someone to chase me and invest in getting to know me– somethings will seem easy, but to really know me it will take effort, it will take unexpected ideas, activities, planning situations to challenge me and catch me “off-guard” to find the genuine me. I want to find that too.