It’s triggered. Disappointment, comes out as anger, turns to disgust. With just a few things outside of me, the inside of me turns to hell.
It is innate. To hurt, to kill-to eat, to act out in desperation when walking the edge of life and death, and wondering, WHY?
Why do I work so hard to balance all the darkness with light? Why do I tell my sadness to be patient? Why do I not hit and punch and scream?
Oh the violence in my head… unspeakable, but not towards any living thing really, unless its food. Days like this I wish I was a butcher, or a demolitionist, or even in some sparing sport or tribal contest… this is my angst at its worst, when sex, isn’t enough to feed the savage.
A thousand thoughts, a thousand lies, a thousand times I try to control my mind.
Blind eyes, try to see, who I really want to be. Where is my truth, who am I? Can I find and face my reality?
Against the grain my emotions splinter and shred; darkness the desperate longing in my head. Turn it off, this will to live, driving me farther and farther from terminal bliss.
Is there no better way for my spirit to grow, then through this heart beating in joy and sorrow? Must I feel for you? Must I care? I don’t want to matter, I want to be matter, always and never there.
I want to be my own divine, but how can I worship this tortured heart and mind? Bound in flesh and bones, no wings to carry me beyond, sad disgrace, this fallen place. Did I really choose to call this home?
I know the tears are coming. I know I won’t be able to stop them. I know it will feel good to sob uncontrolled. I just don’t want to.
Like a child who fights sleep, as sleep, inevitably wins. My tears will win, and I will feel a bit better, just a bit. All the things making me want to cry will still be there. Multiple circumstances telling me I should rehome my dogs. Bills cycling monthly trying to tell me I can’t “succeed” living my dream but must concede to the conforming grind. They people I love and care about in circumstances where I am helplessly providing what little comfort and aid I can. Judgement, real or imagined, that contradicts the genuine self I offer to all I meet.
Life is a valuable joy and we have created a culture in which death is more inviting, a comfort longed for. I feel the distress personally and for any human I look into for too long… so I don’t look. I am sorry. I want to. I want to tell you I share your pain and struggle, even tho our circumstances are likely very different, the heartache is not. If I share that with you, and you share that with me, then we can no longer be in denial, or avoidance. That white elephant in our collective consciousness is just gonna keep getting bigger until we all cry together and kill that which we have made sacred.
I like sex. I think ones relationship with their sexuality is a deciding factor in quality and quantity of individual’s lives. I also think sex, intimacy, libido and relationship all get way to befuddled with morals, ethics, judgement and shame.
A message keeps trying to get through, in poems, stories and songs,throughout the ages! Get it while you can! Love the one your with! Love your neighbour, as yourself! Sex is not a status symbol. Sex is not a power play. Sex about need and hunger, validation and value, a deficit of love. After those needs sex is a sport, a physical activity it only gets better the more you work out building strength, stamina, flexibility and prowess. Take time to learn and love you then spread the love.
I have always liked public displays of affection. Sometimes those displays are more obvious than others. I have not however been with a partner who also appreciated the thrill of exhibitionism, as much as I, not including car sex…
In the last nine months we have been called-out at least three or four times simply for making out and making people uncomfortable. In parking lots, at a concert in the grass, another concert hall we were actually complemented and asked if they could have a picture of us kissing. Every time we laugh and giggle and feel the excitement between us slow down a little bit but anticipate more.
We’ve gone to the theater on a few dates and to the drive-in once. At the theater it’s usually too crowded for us to get away with much but theaters do tend to be cold so I take a nice big coat and lay it over our laps and we get as close as we possibly can to kiss and rest our heads on each other. It is obvious theater designers make the chairs very uncomfortable for cuddles coupling. Yesterday we got to see Aquaman, and I was wearing a nice big skirt that was relatively easy for him to slide up my leg push my panties to the side and pinch my labia. It was exciting. We wove our arms such that I could stroke him through his pants under the coat and he could slide his fingers deeper finding the tides of my desire rising, he painted my bare inner labia and clitoris. The slow, wet caresses were well hidden under the bulky faux fur coat, but my growing enthusiasm was not. I had to pause his affections and catch my composure more than once.
We were both anticipating some time alone at his place but I had to rush home and we were left just a bit frustrated… but it doesn’t bother us we just trust that when all the anticipation is finally over the gratification will be comparably as satisfying!
Sensual 🐌 : when touching, kissing and foreplay are slow and steady increasing the “slime factor” of natural lubrication.
Tantric 🐢 : very slow, sharing intimacy at a pace that opens boundaries and allows trauma to be healed.
Rapid 🐇 : when the hunger and intimacy are shared, and passions are subsided by quick bursts of intimacy often.
Purposeful 🐬: when intimacy, sex, are the primary focus and nothing else can be focused on until the physical release is achieved.
I am planning on expanding the explanations and love exploring these areas with my love.
I am giving you something since I asked for you. Since the more you show me the more I see everything I thought was impossible, I am giving you access. My body mind and heart are open to you. Never more has my soul ached to be splayed. I will remind you to be gentle, be kind, this body is fragile and never have I loved its delights more.
In my journey, I love myself. The more I love myself the more I feel capable of detaching from needing the love of others but also the more I want to love and be loved.