Off again

I am in the mifdle of emotional crisis. I barely keep from sobbing and have this weird feeling it would take being pulled apart from the limbs to feel any worse pain than what my heart and head are trying to comprehend.

I left a 20+ yr marriage and 8 children because I felt abused and taken advantage of, because I never felt a kiss that could make it all disappear. That kiss is what I prayed for, all I want or need. I found it in this 35 yr old gigolo? ! He is a damaged soul carrying at least 3 or 4 pussies at a time. How he manages the rotation I can’t imagine. Why he needs that kind of validation I don’t understand. My soul soars when I am near him. My heart skips a beat when he comes to mind. Somehow I feel my salvation in his love….or in his healing…I will find mine. I want to bear his child and die young in his arms . The idea of not havimg that crushes me beyond any pain; I cry but I dont feel my body…I burn myself in the usual way and I feel nothing but this pain for him…I will confront him in time I will go to his house and cry and beg him to find some way t either love me or free me…I am so sorry I feel so desperate for him… I dont understand because he is so silent, so distant…but not in my arms…not when he takes a minute to just look at me. I am strong and a bit proud and I will lay down at this man’s feet and beg for scraps of attention… I cant imagine living with out that. What is wrong with me??

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My vivid imagination

Anything can happen. Anything at all. I can drink a cup of coffee and start feeling the estrogens working in my hormones and everything I do from picking movies to impulse shopping is, well, girlie! Chic flicks, chocolate, cola, chocolate, lingerie…did I mention chocolate? I haven’t craved chocolate like this in months…

So after eight pregnancies, my imagination is like, “may….beeeee…” even though there is no real evidence in my body of conception. So, I will spend a week making sure I mind my diet exercise and everything else to keep my period on schedule, and keep my imagination from trying to confuse me. As much as I want a child by my lover, I would prefer to be married to him; for us both to be happy and ready to start a new family…. family with the foundation of love, trust, and congruence that was missing from my previous life.

Still my imagination says there is a soul, inhabiting a zygot, a perfect little girl who will never be because it isnt time so she is just taking a step into this dimension and in a few days she will pass from it having served the purpose of giving me hope that someday, he and I will have a child (or children – fingers always crossed for boy/girl paternal? twins).

Dumb imagination.

Love

I stand for love. Every day I evalute and pick apart my actions trying to be the kindest most helpful and loving person I can be.

I have learned this does not mean “feeding myself to the lions” but saying no when I have to. Not giving too much, but I still do at times.

Sometimes, I feel like I am doing penance. . . when I do the things other people dont want to do. Other times I feel blessed there are things I will do for others that they feel blessed by me for doing, like it is a HUGE deal, but for me it really isnt, its just life. Sometimes life is shit and sometimes its just sirty dishes and laundry, or a case of beer and snuggles. I am always blessed when I feel I have blessed others…

I hate when I feel like, “when is it my turn?” I dont need much. I just like to feel special somehow…like someone wants to go the extra mile for me. Thank God my parents kind of do…as much as they are capable, financially and mentally.

I feel so humbled and undeserving when people I care for show their gratefulness… like I dont know why they are so grateful for me doing things they could do but yet can’t.

I feel like I have this brain injury that makes me weird and glitchy LOL and yet I feel like other people are more glitched when they think I am some kind of super hero for cleaning a bathroom?!

I wonder if these glit hes are genetic or invironmental? Why does common sense and self care seem like such a grey and faded area now? I have always been simple-minded but now somehow that is a gift in a complicated society.

fiction

“Alright,” he sighed after the unsettling inhale she noticed as she approached. He took her hands, looked into her face, then drew all the focus of her eyes on his. Suddenly, she knew something very important had shifted in the grand scheme. She searched him without losing his gaze. “Your going to meet my family, now.” he paused as the reality sat in; when she finally took a breath, raised her eyebrows, and gave that smile he wasn’t sure if it was mischief or naivety, but he never took his eyes off hers as he raised her hand in his, opened her fingers and slid the Claddagh on her finger, “I hope you like it.”

Expectations

the only temper tantrum I remember throwing, iwas about 3 yrs old. I had been told I would get to go to the ice cream parlor. I expected to go to the ice cream parlor and I wanted to go. When I was told no, I was sad and angry and I ley the world know it. (Part of what made it so memorable was kickimg my teenage cousin in the boob and her really hurting and being mad- I felt bad but also felt she deserved it for being part of the conspiracy that toyed with me getting “fresh” ice cream!)

The next time I remember such disappointment was mom saying she would take me to the softball feilds and show me the difference between baseball and softball…or at least play baseball with me like my step dad for merely 2 yrs had done. He was great at playing with me just to teach me all the sports he was into; I missed that adult kid bonding time. I reminded my mom over and over again how she had promised to take me to the feilds and play with me. She never did.

So I learned that dispite what people say, you should never expect them to come through; never expect ANYTHING because it was a losing bet and only fools take losing bets. Don’t hurt yourself by being bitter and untrusting-that is just asking for unhappiness. Be open, unassuming, and happy for whatever life brings you.

Not such an easy task is it? You meet that knew guy and suddenly you can see 20 yrs into the future. You hear about an opening at work and hopes -expectations- begin to brew could you get that promotion? Make more money? Get better things? If not for these expectatiins you are happy, and when the expectations are not met, life seems unfair. Fair is balance and balance does not always mean getting what you expecr.

Writing to cope

I am outrageously horny.
I have to pay bills and get stressed out over “adulting” well enough to earn my kids’ respect, and admiration so they will want to achieve soul satisfaction.
Fear, anxiety, will-power, determination to find and be at peace with the bullshit.
I want to achieve this somehow…I want to be able to say “I DID THIS [LIFE]” and I am glad; it was worth it.

I want this man. I dont really know him even though we have been fucking each other over for the last 4 years. I wish I could say how much I hate this relationship. I chase, I tease, I beg with utter desperation. He ignores me most of the time. Seriously, if not for the “active” bubble indicating when he has read my millions of novella messages — I kid of writing to a ghost. The best way to get a response is to ask a simple question, or a very deep one, or send him porn, personal porn (I enjoy making it –especially for him).

So after this previous life relationship, and wanting to be an “independent adult”, what do I do with this weird relationship that feels like a mad delusion of almost perfect coexistence with an imaginary friend? ..but he is real. His very smell fills me with comfort. His face, no matter the expression, fills me with awe tho I can’t identify what I see there. (My son says he looks like Jesus LOL always did have a crush on Him.) He is no saint. We have a Little Bit in common there…

He asked me recently, “What do you want exactly?” in reply to my begging to be a part of his life… me? Exactly?! I tried to answer “everything” without saying everything because that just goes somewhere else… I feel selfish saying I WANT anything… everything in my life has been a gift, a blessing. Isnt wanting anything a selfish indulgence?

So here is some of my selfishness– here in public to shame myself- but where I dont think anyone reads my shit so it might be safe.

I want to be a trophy. I want my man to be my trophy.

I want to hear that impress someone occasionally. I want to be known well enough to be impressed by someone’s efforts for me.

I want easy deep conversation and comfortable silence; teasing play, adventures and cuddles.

I want hot hard fast spontaneous sex and deep tantric hours of enlightened orgasm….and everything in between.

I want to meet the parents over family dinners and introduce him to mine during weekend roadtrips.

I could go on and on…I could make wishes from dusk to dawn but wishes become expectations and too oft expectaion becomes disappointment.

I have these people in my life who use this word, “reality”, around me and I find It more offensive than any other curse. I want someone to convince me reality can be beautiful, even in the dirt and blood. Somehow…I think he does.

Mommy

It has been one year since I chose to not put up with my ex’s bullshit. One year since he kicked me out for standing up for myself.

One year not living with my babies.

When I get my two youngest for the one night, every-other weekend of the month, it is indeed bittersweet. We miss each other so much. We have grown unfamiliar with the things we used to have in common. I dont know the routine their dad keeps them on and they aren’t used to my more natural, seemingly random/spontaneous way of living. They do say it is happier, but they get bored not having as much material, especially electronic, entertainemnt in their days. I never liked tv and games taking up their time. I never really liked the way he wanted to raise the children…so I try to convince myself, they have always been his, not mine…whuch just makes it harder to think I am going to lose them.