Sometimes it is SO HARD to let go of something that has brought comfort and joy. We hold tight, ignore the pain that creeps in as we white knuckle circumstances hoping things get easy again…some times they do, sometimes I have to realize it is time for a different path.
I finally made up my mind being attached to a person to feel loved and safe, valued and secure was really just false hope. Very few people can feel that way in themselves, let alone for another person. I don’t want to burden anyone, tho I know I do and am so grateful my parents help me SO MUCH. I hope that being in my family, being my friend, is nothing but a joy and blessing to those in my life.
I became determined in a short week to feel the same about romance. Only the highest of expectations in myself and for one I could wholeheartedly love and trust would be satisfactory. I didn’t really know what that looked like. I tried making a list in my head as several friends had suggested. What do I really want?
Friendship, some one to talk to, easy to carry on a conversation and not be worried about frustration or negativity causing harsh feelings and distance between us.
Balance, equality is a farse. I cannot and do not want to be equal to a partner, I want to be recognized for my unique weaknesses and strengths and I will honor and do the same. This is true respect and honor for another spirit being.
I made this list in my head, giving myself freedom to be as picky as I want. I decided I would keep dating, talking to people who were lonely but I would not expect anything from them because no one could possibly meet my expectations because I was gonna make sure that was the case.
Then it happens… Easy conversation, motivated ambitions, self-examination, self-awareness, gentlemanly but not up-tight, open-minded but still grounded and logical and not flakey or spacey. How or why did this choose to happen in this time of my life when I was ready to forget about connecting deeply with another person, I was ready to accept I was weird and would be forever alone because there was no one who could love me, like me… And then boom here he is, and I am being challenged to accept this kind of love and friendship I was ready to dismiss as fantasy.
It seems when we allow ourselves to let go of something we held onto for so long we grow bigger, better, faster. Now I have a love that is blooming more sweet and fragrant than I have ever known before. I unexpected as it is, I refuse to stand in disbelief, because this love is everything I have asked for, why should I expect any less?