Panic at the disco…

That is what my brain feels like right now… life’s a party, so many great and wonderful things to appreciate and focus on and manifest. The party has gone horribly wrong. The music is dragging and being played over so I can’t hear the beat and keep pace, if I think I have it, it changes tempo completely and I am off balance, stumbling like a drunk. The lights are flickering sporadically, disco colours and strobes in the dark and bright florescent warehouse blinding me, off and on so I can never really gain focus. Not accomplishing enough business to enjoy the party and not enough party to forget the responsibility of the business.

If I could just keep my bills paid, focus on improving my vocation, helping people in the ways I have been gifted. I would give my services in body/ mind balance away for free to anyone who could listen openly of I didn’t have to deal with this social construct we have imposed on ourselves in which nothing in my life is secure, the bank or government could take my home anytime they want. My comfort and needs of daily hygiene, shelter, food, water, are precariously reliant upon my services being desired by costumers and not a lot of people want to face their darkness and take responsibility for the wellbeing of their own mind and health of their body.

I have this dream tho… and I have this amazing man that I have waited forever for his kind of love, for the way he inspires and encourages me to believe in my gifts, talents and dreams….

I tried so hard to do that in my marriage. I felt like such a failure because I could not encourage or build up my former spouse up enough to find his calling and confidently stand on his talents and gifts to make life better for all of us. So, I walked away feeling like I was not good at inspiring others, never safe or worthy to put in the effort,sacrifices, following his heart would require.

Now I have someone who has that light and enthusiasm and is reminding me that so do I. Can we do this for each other? Am I inspiring to him the way he is to me, will my own determination to conquer my fears and follow the inspirations of my heart, be his encouragement to do the same. We will inspire each other and grow each other and manifest our dreams to heal and inspire others to seek healing so they too can become full manifestations of their inner light.

If the struggle will just let us dance, if life can have balance and not stumbling blocks…


Search for my philosophies

Enjoying reading this article but again find myself wondering what the difference is between soul and spirit as many things sound redundant. So that led to this find,

I obviously don’t have time to read as much as I want so I thought well, I will drop things here and come back, sooner than later, I hope.


I don’t want to be a sexual deviant and I don’t think I have ever done anything criminal, but of sometimes my search history is not vanilla, in the least…

I have been very good at avoiding porn for the last six months… I want to avoid it because porn encourages desires that are difficult if not impossible for me to fulfill either because of taboo or social norms. My admiration of the human body and all forms of copulation has no bounds it would seem… someday, maybe, I will tell my lovers my real desire of their DNA mixing in my womb simultaneously, some kind of amazing cosmic bomb in my womb and one last perfect pregnancy and soul to guide to a path of honest self truth. Sometimes I wish I didnt have my heart so hopefully set on impossibilities …

Thy grace is sufficient…

Lord your grace is sufficient and your love is all I should need. I just wish that I could see these qualities in the people surrounding me. If they are my reflection, am I the one that lacks? Can I give more grace, more love….but I can’t expect any back. Expectation makes me selfish. Selfishness makes me disappointed. How do I let things that shadow my joy in life go? Can I reach the capacity and grace of a benevolent god?

I used to imagine you in my life.

Until you said, you didn’t.

So I had to wipe the slate clean.

And we start all over again.

Four years of Groundhog Day.

You with her, me with him

Then you and I start over again.

I am in love with a delusion. My idea of what life should be, of a Love that isn’t perfect, but at least stays with me. A Love that cannot disappoint, or make me feel unsure, I am not asking for righteousness, just let me feel secure. A Love that will take care of me, help me learn and grow, through kindness and maturity, that’s the Love I want to know.

The downs

Loneliness, disappointment, sadness…

As I lay here alone a new idea occures to me… A boat for two. It wouldn’t neccessarily be suicide to leave everything behind and row a Tory out across deep wild waters…. maybe take my dog if either of them are around by that time…storms, sharks, all kinds of dangers to face with out a soul in site to help, save, or disappoint me… why do I expect so much? Why do I let people’s actions and attitudes disappoint me so much? Why does it seem i am addicted not to love, but to heartache….


I know I am a hypochondriac, so I never go to the doctor,and I am glad I don’t have insurance so it is not a temptation to WANT to go to the doctor. I don’t think sickness is any different than stubbing my toe. Hell, it may even be broken but doctors can’t do much for it other than break my already broken bank account. So anything that might be wrong with me will either get better, go away,or kill me. I am not afraid of death in the least. Nor do I long for death. The present is sufficient for me.

That being said, my firstborn,whom I learned of my pregnancy with him when a tree crushed my head, has been diagnosed with stage four cancer. There is a part of me that hopes, or just imagines, that I have a hidden disease I am ignoring and we will in fact die together (as we were meant to then) in his 27th year…every one knows the significance of the 27 Club and even if I am too old and have NO plans of overdosing, maybe I can be an honorary member just for surviving the tree to be with my baby for these 27 years… so no crying…life goes on and nothing is predictable and everything that happens in everyone’s lives adds to their equation, innumerable integers, waves of butterfly wings affecting the flow of life.