Crushing…

“Hi, my name is Mom, and I am addicted to falling in love.”

So yeah, I am officially single. The idea of growing old alone and slowly turning crazy from the lack of companionship is pretty damn scary for me. I remind myself, YOU LIKE TO BE ALONE!  I like picking what media I listen to, when and what I eat, how I decorate my surroundings–seriously all things I have not really gotten to do for …well my whole life but especially since I lost having my own room at either of my parents and got married.

So divorce is final. Three yr long affair has gone off the radar; and Stonerboy, while being older and my best friend ever, sometimes he just feels like I have to take more care of him than I do a child. There are too many “not again”s for me to be satisfied with any person for long term, but oh I can crush!

Warning: I WILL crush on you. It doesn’t take much for me to like someone enough to flirt with them. if thwy flirt back and I like it, then the more they do that I like the more I will crush!

My ex ruined this little head game I play by making me fantasize pornagraphically and tell him the storiws details from my imagination with a friend of his and then telling me my imagination was “not that good” so it must have been real. But he was there! We were never alone! This is why I dont erotica, few people believe “I made it all up”.
SO now I am single. The world is a candy store…but I want to choose wisely and not be a gluttonous slut.  The swinging lifestyle surely appeals to me, but I dont want to go it alone; I want a mentor, and protector, to show me the ropes (pretty sure I can tie the knots myself).  I still crush on Stonerboy, he is handling the “breakup” so well and still being such a great friend–if the perfect kiss doesnt come along, I can totally see growing old with him and being pretty happy-but I am not ready to grow old yet. Mr.Perfect turned 35 and moved away, no forwarding address (I could still find him at work but really need to not be a stalker) but when I think of him, totally crushing. Then there is the new Sobstory, he could be cousins with Mr.Perfect, but oh so much more….talkitive, open, helpful! But…I have decided to keep myself completely unattached for…well hopefully I can last a month. But I want to be as sure about myself and the next relatiinship as I can be. I do not want any more crushes to turn into heartache for me or them.

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PRIMITIVE

When the psychoanalyst asked,”what would that look like?” referring to me letting go and being myself it really helped expose my bianary thought process. Part of me is truly wild woman. I dream of the physical and mental challenges a “cave-man” would live through. [Yes, NAKED AND AFRAID” is my favorite reality show. And I dont think I have the skills but I want to learn.] 

Then there is the part of me who likes being clean, looking pretty and well basically all that hormonal reproductive shit that keeps me in society.  If I am expected to stay in society though, since I lack survival skills, I want to evolve and be that happy peaceful eclectic person who does tai-chi and eats all local organic food and sells art and writes books just for a hobby…

but I dream of killing wild animals maybe with just a rudimentary tool…I dream of a lover who pulls my hair we battle and fight  then make love like tantric experts. I am just fucking crazy.

Coexistance

The perfect relationship (imho) I take care of my shit, you take care of your shit and lets spend all the free time we can together sharing mutual interests. Its that simple.

THINK OF THE TIME WE WOULD SAVE!

Scenario:  If you did your dishes, and I did mine. Sure if I feel like making eggs and bacon for breakfast I will offer to make you some also. If you chose to accept we might possibly even eat together if we wanted to be in the same place.

 “Would you like to join me?”  would be an acceptable stance for eating together if it needed to be a discussion. after each indivdual had eaten they would wash dry and put away the plates and utensils they had used. If I were the chef I personally would want to wash my pan before eating but after if it really needed to cool ir soak. The the chef should wash what they dirty as it tends to conserve on how many empliments are used. 

Does it make sense to how much time that would save? Instead of one person doing all the cooking and cleaning for everyone, then that person has time to actually spend  with the people who SAY they want to be with you???
Why because you need a maid?

To the point

I listen to music, a lot, to keep from thinking. To keep from acting out scenarios in my head, I listen to any kind of music that grabs my attention in that moment…sometimes I brave the silence. Uhliness comes out but then I scold myself, dont complain, find joy. So it hits me, maybe again, because it seems like a well thought out epiphany (more than a fleeting momemt would offer but perhaps that is the #tbi fumbling with my memory or making it up). 

Find the joy.   Isn’t that the point I have been trying to make? 

The greatest commandment is Love. Everything we do, everything we say, every action should come out of and go into Love. Love for our fellow humans, love for the planet that supports all of life we are the most developed how-ever you view the world so we are responsible for keeping things in balance, especially among ourselves. 

SO if everything is within love what is the next big piece of life? JOY. Our goal should be to have a joyful life because Joy and Love go hand in hand. when you feel loved, it makes you happy right? And when you give love (birthday presents? Special time, doing something for someone who is incapable?) these things give most people a sense of joy, gratitude that they could be helpful. 

So lets connect the dots:  Do all things from love into love; find joy in all you do.

that sounds hard doesnt it? Find joy in all I do?  cleanning out a litter box? You are loving your cats, giving them a gift they actually appreciate and use and share affection, or rodent control, in appreciation. seems a stretch huh? Nurses, doctors, caregivers of young and old,  teachers, all these people have what are considered “thankless jobs” but as underpaid s most are, they have a job satisfaction when they see how their care and instruction is really a gift of love to those in their service.  Well, when the mechanic is fixing the doctor’s car his job is a gift to that doctor because that doctor would rather be fixing people. 

We fence ourselves in with money in exchange for all these services that in reality if each person could do what we find joy in giving to others it doesnt need to be a” job” or a drudgery, it becomes an exchange of love with the greatest payout of all- Joy!

give love create joy live happy and peaceful

Whatever…should I let it depress me?

My analyst says I am addicted to being in love…like this is a bad thing? I love making people feel loved, and beautiful…I like feeling loved and beautiful and if I cant get that from anyone, then I figure I need to just give it to the people whom I see as beautiful…and I am a far deeper judge of inner beauty than outer beauty–but I think they go hand-in-hand: when a person has a good attitude, worthy self-esteem balanced by gratitude and graciousness they take care of their physical well-being as well as their mental. Beauty shines through on on levels.

I try to be beautiful in all those ways and I hear how special I am but I don’t believe I am any more special than anyone else. However, I do not understand degrading one’s self. Being drunken, belligerent,  loose and foolish for the sake of appearing “more relaxed”.  Why do we have to inebriate ourselves just to be honest with each other under the guise that “oh I was teasing!” or “I was drunk and didn’t mean it”?

My troubles come from wanting to be in love….to constantly feel the holy love of God/Divinity between each person I am in relationship with be it casual, sexual, pasionate, or companionship.  I dont understand the delineations why love has to be boxed in so many categories to hamper shame, pride, judgements and egos…get over it and allow people to love each other how they need to give and recieve love.

somebody love me for me, god does, but he didnt intend for me to ever be lonely or heartbroken.

More writing.

Am thinking I should take up the #dailypost or #weeklypost challenge now that the divorce is over and my darling ex can’t be an asshole trying to use my creative writing against me –but he always has, “lie to me”: “that story was too good, it had to be real”, yet he still wonders how I can love him and hate him at once. Recovery is a long process. Recovery from a lifelong relationship, is it even possible? I have figured out that while recovery is important, most people don’t understand. Should they be happy or sad for the divorce?  If I tell them why I am happy, they seem more confused because it is hard to believe a person in an abusive relationship would try and tolerate the situation for 25 years. That is a symptom of abuse: codependency, enmeshment, self-doubt, and using religion as both a crutch and Scape goat; when no one else understands, religion says God does. When the world says get out of abuse, most religions say you deserve it; you need to be better then bad things won’t happen to you; pray it away, be strong and holy and God will take the abuse away.

God has given us many instructions for taking care of ourselves. Standing firm in a divine good will, respecting that each of us is equal in the big picture. So “breaking a generational curse” is one of these things Christians say you have to do if your parents were divorced, IE:as studies show children of divorced parents are more likely to be divorced to be more “holy” I should have to stay in a marriage that crushes me and just hope that before i die it becomes what i dream a relationship should be like. But wait, my parents divorced, but my grandparents stayed married each of my grandfathers passing a decade before my grandmothers.However, by the time my grandfathers past my grandmothers were in there late 70’s most of their free will had been stript. My paternal Grandmother was bless to get remarried to a very dear friend with whom they had spent a lifetime being friends and neighbours and raising kids together. Our families already felt related so it was easy to accept the geriatric union. Grandma never disparaged my biological grandfather, but she hinted that my step-grandfather was much more suited to her (and they were adorable spooning at nap time!).

So which “generational curse” do i break? Divorce or rotten marriages? I think I like the concept that generational curses should be kept to the scientific data that a parents alcoholism, obesity, and life choices leave genetic markers on the off-spring that make the child more likely to be diabetic or have a weak system for alcohol and other things.  When we face abuse and stop it happening to ourselves we make better marks on our physiology, and thus on those we give our genetic history to. Verbal history is important but falable.  Our life choices make physiological markers that we pass down. So what are you doing to your DNA?

LOVE YOURSELF.

okay, so long story short, the divorce is finalized, just waiting to get the papers in the mail.  i finished Massage therapy school and am hoping to get my license (need to fix id and take state exam) and am seeing an older gentleman (Stoner Boy) and a younger man (my lottery ticket i call him LOL no reference to money at ALL).  but beyond that, I have lost 40 pounds and am so incredibly happy with life I really have to pinch myself.

 

So what drove me to write tonight? Love.  The Bible tells us to love our neighbors as ourself, but we tend to ignore the LOVE YOURSELF PART. I mean how can we love anyone else if we are so disgusted with ourselves?? I am a sinner. I was born to sin. Sinning can be rather fun. But what is sin? nothing more than something we are afraid we will be judged for! Let’s take the extreme, the easiest example of sin, food. Many cultures, religions and individuals believe it is a sin to eat certain meats, or combinations of foods. But our body was made to process these foods and as the DNA that makes us becomes more and more devolved we need the building blocks that come from the beasts JUST TO CONTINUE AS A SPECIES. So Christ comes and says, eat it all, but don’t tell someone they can’t or they have to, let them make that choice for themselves. {because really Christianity from the get go was all about CHOICE, free will, but we will save that oration for later.}   So if right there God is telling us NOT TO JUDGE WHAT SOMEONE EATS and earlier he tells us not to cast stones unless we are sinless, and he tells us to love each other as ourselves….doesn’t this all just to easily and logically tell us that SIN IS GONE, and if you LIVE IN LOVE you should not fear sin, because it isn’t there!!

 

what is love? Where is love? how do we love? let’s start with “perfect love casts out fear”.  why are we afraid of each other? racism, religion, culture, what-ev-er! we fear each other because we don’t love each other. we don’t love each other because we have not compassion for each other. We have no compassion because we JUDGE… and yes “accountability” is fucking JUDGEMENTAL. we judge ourselves and then we turn those eyes out and hold others to the standards we wish we could hold ourselves but of course we fall short of those “if I was perfect” standards. where did this fucked up idea of “good’ vs. “evil” come from…oh lets say…EGO.  I want. I am better. I deserve. So what makes me better? I don’t do  blah blah blah… but you wish you could, and that is just the same! so be honest. admit your failings and embrace those around you who fail in the same way. We don’t all fight the same battles. We can’t all be the same people, but it all levels out. your sin is my sin his his and hers…”not one sin is greater than another” so take sin out of the equation. and be honest, and be loving. don’t hurt people, love people, don’t’t judge with your eyes, your silence, your cold, or self-righteousness. love them. see that they are the same as you. Mother father, people who are important to them, people who love them and whom they love. Do those things that make you afraid to stand out to rock the boat, do the things that truly bring you Joy and Happiness, because if you are unhealthy, you are unhappy. you are holding onto things that you are judging in YOURSELF  So obey the greatest commandment, LOVE YOURSELF, AS YOU LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR, AND VICE-VERSA.