the only temper tantrum I remember throwing, iwas about 3 yrs old. I had been told I would get to go to the ice cream parlor. I expected to go to the ice cream parlor and I wanted to go. When I was told no, I was sad and angry and I ley the world know it. (Part of what made it so memorable was kickimg my teenage cousin in the boob and her really hurting and being mad- I felt bad but also felt she deserved it for being part of the conspiracy that toyed with me getting “fresh” ice cream!)

The next time I remember such disappointment was mom saying she would take me to the softball feilds and show me the difference between baseball and softball…or at least play baseball with me like my step dad for merely 2 yrs had done. He was great at playing with me just to teach me all the sports he was into; I missed that adult kid bonding time. I reminded my mom over and over again how she had promised to take me to the feilds and play with me. She never did.

So I learned that dispite what people say, you should never expect them to come through; never expect ANYTHING because it was a losing bet and only fools take losing bets. Don’t hurt yourself by being bitter and untrusting-that is just asking for unhappiness. Be open, unassuming, and happy for whatever life brings you.

Not such an easy task is it? You meet that knew guy and suddenly you can see 20 yrs into the future. You hear about an opening at work and hopes -expectations- begin to brew could you get that promotion? Make more money? Get better things? If not for these expectatiins you are happy, and when the expectations are not met, life seems unfair. Fair is balance and balance does not always mean getting what you expecr.


Writing to cope

I am outrageously horny.
I have to pay bills and get stressed out over “adulting” well enough to earn my kids’ respect, and admiration so they will want to achieve soul satisfaction.
Fear, anxiety, will-power, determination to find and be at peace with the bullshit.
I want to achieve this somehow…I want to be able to say “I DID THIS [LIFE]” and I am glad; it was worth it.

I want this man. I dont really know him even though we have been fucking each other over for the last 4 years. I wish I could say how much I hate this relationship. I chase, I tease, I beg with utter desperation. He ignores me most of the time. Seriously, if not for the “active” bubble indicating when he has read my millions of novella messages — I kid of writing to a ghost. The best way to get a response is to ask a simple question, or a very deep one, or send him porn, personal porn (I enjoy making it –especially for him).

So after this previous life relationship, and wanting to be an “independent adult”, what do I do with this weird relationship that feels like a mad delusion of almost perfect coexistence with an imaginary friend? ..but he is real. His very smell fills me with comfort. His face, no matter the expression, fills me with awe tho I can’t identify what I see there. (My son says he looks like Jesus LOL always did have a crush on Him.) He is no saint. We have a Little Bit in common there…

He asked me recently, “What do you want exactly?” in reply to my begging to be a part of his life… me? Exactly?! I tried to answer “everything” without saying everything because that just goes somewhere else… I feel selfish saying I WANT anything… everything in my life has been a gift, a blessing. Isnt wanting anything a selfish indulgence?

So here is some of my selfishness– here in public to shame myself- but where I dont think anyone reads my shit so it might be safe.

I want to be a trophy. I want my man to be my trophy.

I want to hear that impress someone occasionally. I want to be known well enough to be impressed by someone’s efforts for me.

I want easy deep conversation and comfortable silence; teasing play, adventures and cuddles.

I want hot hard fast spontaneous sex and deep tantric hours of enlightened orgasm….and everything in between.

I want to meet the parents over family dinners and introduce him to mine during weekend roadtrips.

I could go on and on…I could make wishes from dusk to dawn but wishes become expectations and too oft expectaion becomes disappointment.

I have these people in my life who use this word, “reality”, around me and I find It more offensive than any other curse. I want someone to convince me reality can be beautiful, even in the dirt and blood. Somehow…I think he does.


It has been one year since I chose to not put up with my ex’s bullshit. One year since he kicked me out for standing up for myself.

One year not living with my babies.

When I get my two youngest for the one night, every-other weekend of the month, it is indeed bittersweet. We miss each other so much. We have grown unfamiliar with the things we used to have in common. I dont know the routine their dad keeps them on and they aren’t used to my more natural, seemingly random/spontaneous way of living. They do say it is happier, but they get bored not having as much material, especially electronic, entertainemnt in their days. I never liked tv and games taking up their time. I never really liked the way he wanted to raise the children…so I try to convince myself, they have always been his, not mine…whuch just makes it harder to think I am going to lose them.

Codependent insecurities

The things I think and feel sometimes makes me feel like a pathetic worm.

One the one hand I finally realize I cant respect a man I dont see as “beautiful” as he sees me. I dont understand my admirers. I see a big face, thick body, saggy boobs (always! Not just from kids but thwy have always bean flesh bags for milk not perky or lovely breasts at all). I may have an hour glass figure but really mothing any more special about me than anyone else. There are definitely more beautiful women in the world. Yet, these men and boys are drawn to me for some reason and I see the good qualities and ignore the superficial since I dont appreciate my own superficial beauty that much.

On the contrary side though because I have been with men thatvi dont “worship” at least as equally as they seem to me I dont really respect them…it starts there and goes deeper…this one is cute but has no self-confidence and wont make anything of his talent. This one is sweet and thinks he is entitled but doesnt respect all he has been given in life. That one is beautiful, but has some kind of fucked up way of hating the world around him.

The analyst says my expectations for a relationship have become unrealistically high…well if God is supposed to be my number one, then anyone who wants to stand next to me has a lot to measure up to, especially since I see God a bit differently than the majority of Christians.

Now there is a new man….and I want him. I see him as beautifully flawed, I want to help him be more and yet he’s perfect in so many unexpected ways. So, my insecurieties bubble up. He’s superfically beautiful, like me–but am I pretty enough to keep him? He is smart and can solve problems, like me–but am I smart enough dispite those times I am a total airhead? He seems to like the way I want to cling to him and hold him when we have time together and right now I am inder the impression he wants as much time with me as I want with him hidden from the world just loving each other and feeling safe in each others arms until we are fortified against the hard world outside.

Of course all that makes me scared and so I retreat into my God’s love and the imaginary world I have of Jesus being the only one who could ever love me and help me be the person I need to be to find the happiness the ones who love me most want me to find.

These are my deep thoughts and I am not even stoned (maybe a little drunk from the sour milk I had to try THREE times before I was convinced it really isn’t drinkable LOL).

I am pretty convinced I should not have a relationship until my career is fully underway, but I also cant imagine not having a friend and lover to make just being alive better.

I know I need to be an example to my kids, morally, wthically, realistically (because let’s just be honest, ethics and morals are put on pedistools like they should be the easiest high standards but the truth is the pedistools are standing in the quicksand of relativism).

Guess I still have a lot to think about.

Self loathing

When I hate the world, I hate myself more for not being kind and loving.

When I hate myself, I dont want to be around anyone because I know I can feel nothing they feel.

My own feelings run rampant in self abuse must be kind musy love allow the hate for the anger and confusion I feel to pass through me and burn in the light where it is too bright for me to see. Let me slink into the safety of the blackness. Heaven is not what I was taught as a child, a utopian paradise of dreams and imagination the peace of the heaven I dream of is a void a blackness the light is energy colors and patterns the firing of universal synapses as I watch from outside the storm…therein do I long to be. In the nothing that is everything and I am not emotion but simply consciousness.

unrealistic expectations

Once I made a wish for blue sanguine eyes for energy like mine so there was no surprise so there was no reflection no lies to see through so there was no doubt my everything was you the blackhole in which all matter resides the center vortex of your energy and mine We need not make love fight nor laugh our breathing together devours the past there is nothing in everything your mind in mine energies entwined the universe unravels god feels sublime

Creative thoughts mixed with philosophy

So…yeah. Life is just always fucking life right? Ups downs high lows blah blah blah…what really thrills me about being alive is playing this game in my head of “How can I better myself? Or how is God using all the bullshit out side my spirit/body to refine the spirit inside my body?”

Honesty. Well, yes, for starters I AM stoned. Wonderfully relaxed and pretty much ay peace with who I am and what life is…not perfect, s l o w as fuck (but that is why my biggest lesson is patience in this life…obviously, painfully so) but I am paying Extremely close attention to life. To what I honestly want to create in the world around me. My job and how it relates to society (even tho it feels like such a distant almost impossible dream sometimes I tell myself not to be negative and to just keep having faith my business will come together and become a legacy –is that…egotisical? I want a legacy but only in as much as I hope to leave a positive change in the world when I leave…but that does feel like seeking reward in this world and not BEING PATIENT for God’s reward.)

So anyways…I am trying and taking opportunities to find out the truth of who God created in me. Not a persona I think I need to keep up but just as genuine projectiin of my inner soul to the world around me.