independence

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…but there has to be one, one human being in which i can hold almost constant connection to… i try so hard to be independent, autonomous, self-sufficient. i fail daily. while i dont expect it, and am frequently surprised by the support i get from friends and family, i am humbled and grateful. i rely on SOMEONE, catching me, more than i acknowledge. i am grateful for the few friends that wish me good morning and good night by text each day; i NEEd that person i can text about all my mundane shit “hiw do i look” “is this socially acceptable?” one person that i guess i use to self-regulate? (thats gonna take some deeper thought)…

when i am alone, when i take assessment of my responsibilities, i FEEL like i can handle it, pull my shit together as long as i am secluded from distractions which is basically socialization, friends, family, lovers…

i finally have a polyamorous partner, as codependent and independent as myself… we frustrate each other in very different ways but also feel so bonded, I cant imagine letting go. We both have “spinny head swirly heart” feelings for other people, and my guess is neither of us feel worthy of those relationships? but we also have this polyamory open transparency that allows to share those struggles…

my partner is far more social than I, we have different types of social anxiety and call each other our “personal support human” but get really awkward when people ask if we are married (“NO” in stern unison followed by scoffing laughter). We are “a thing” , polyamorous but too picky to have sex with others unless “that one” wants us so we are stuck pretty happy with each other but maybe settling out of insecurities…

Oblivious Vibrations

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I have vented to a couple friends… I stated my case to my lover after his very careless remark… but still I am beside myself with the audacity? of his oblivion… Virgo takes up space in my life, I rely on him for so much emotional and physical support and I reciprocate with acts of service, an open heart, mind, and body. Our connection is amazing, on an almost platonic level…. This is educational for me…

I’ve always had the “problem” of “falling in love” with friends. I become awkward wanting to touch, caress and kiss the physical form; my empathy feeling their joys and pains. At some points, all I feel is that they need comfort and love. This is why my career path suits me so well. I get paid to touch APPROPRIATELY; this is rarely a challenge. However, with friends I cycle through being comfortable, and growing too intimately attracted to feel comfortably in control of myself so I isolate.

These subtle vibrations translate to my “feelings”… maybe the traumas kept me from knowing how to feel but “walking on eggshells” to avoid conflict tells me how to feel. My hyper independence to avoid those eggshells… leaves me so confused … general consensus I am exhausted, and exhausting. Constantly alert for HOW I am supposed to act and feel… if feelings are a choice?

I like being alone, to feel me, the music I listen to can be a distraction or a guide… streaming movies and television is a distraction but I still seek connection even there, “the moral of the story,” as relevant to my life.

Alone, I default to feeling Love and Melancholy, almost perfectly balanced.

I need to be touched too though. Without prompting, with respect, with passion, with knowledge of the body and its language.

I tell myself, Cancer is just a musician. He writes poetry and music to express himself; not to secretly send me messages… I am a friend who became a big, obsessive fan. A fan, a friend, cancer likes “well enough to smash with more than once” as another friend I whine to put it. So is it my lack of bravery and commitment that keeps me longing for for the Artist? Before mentioned friend also pointed out I am the only one who says I am delusional… so now I am questioning that… that long root the holds onto the idea of insanity as not such a bad thing…but where’s the line drawn?

Physical or emotional?

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I don’t always know where Pain comes from. Menopause? Long term TBI bullshit?

I know my emotions are confused and that emotional stuff influences physical stuff, energy jumps positive to negative and static balance seems an conflicting concept.

So I’m just gonna babble a minute maybe it’s menopause, hormonal, whiny bullshit, maybe there’s something deeper…

The internal conflict about my love life, my obsessive behavior, brought me to a point of asking myself if I was willing to risk going to jail. Having a restraining order placed against me even for a weekend, Joelzy threatened to call the cops when I wouldn’t leave because we needed to have a mature conversation; being single for the first time and dealing with unwanted attention myself…apparently it’s all fucked with my head… I don’t want to do anything that puts me in conflict with “authorities” not even for love..

“Perfect Love casts out Fear”

God’s perfect Love.

This is when I feel compulsion wins, when God has cast out the Fear from consequences of my actions.

I am not afraid of jail time. I sincerely admire activists, and find empathy for “crimes of passion” (though I don’t feel many people understand Passion, let-alone give it grace). I can’t stand the conflict. Maybe I am not that passionate? Maybe my passion is stronger in other ways?

Maybe… It is not MY passion! I do not want to be here, I want to be with God, where I came from, where I am going to. When my passion becomes compulsion is when I feel Divine, when all other thoughts and feels focus into One and I am just a conduit of Love.

I recognize my relationship with spirituality and religion can present as borderline psychosis…invisible energy fields and imaginary friends, voices in my head, ringing in my ears and grindings in my spine… all crazy has a level of genius and vice versa… I jus don’t want conflict of any kind, the conflict of my mind is enough, guide me, Lord, fearless Love, passionate peace….

Friends with bennies

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July 9, 23

Sure I get my pick of cock when I want it… when I want to be aggressive enough to not just initiate, but take them and give them directions… It’s beginning to feel like men can’t even find a balance between their power and their vulnerability… I am trained to be vulnerable but also step up and fix things if no one else is capable… I like taking care of people and I feel like I can take good care of myself when I maintain boundaries on my time and energy (I CANNOT SAVE THE WORLD!) this week I am just whining that I want to feel taken care of… all these wonderful people who love me and appreciate me so much and these cute sweet lonely guys who feel so much love and validation from our interactions and I walk away feeling like a kind and appreciated person, I get validation, gratification… I get a lot out of these relationships but yet I am not comforted, I do not feel safe to let down my guard and relax, cry and feel love’s safety and protection…. I like being objectified, I appreciate my sexuality and mostly how others appreciate me… but yet not all people treat objects with gratitude and respect… not that I equate myself to a machine but if I correlate how people take their cars, dishwashers, washing machine and dryer all for granted, instant gratification, practically takes care of itself! it makes perfect sense that human interaction takes a similar outlook….I give the machine what it needs to do it’s job and it is just taking up space the rest of the time… I am tired of just taking up space, holding a place for everyone but myself… and not feeling held… and this whole bullshit of guys teasing and dropping hints that they want to be fucked but expect me to do the work, the seducing and not getting taken… I like being “taken” it doesn’t always have to be accompanied by a toxic ego does it?? And if you want to be taken then lift me up! Boost my ego enough to have the confidence to feel safe letting myself lose control… or take control, as the case may be… but let’s balance the power Switch, please?

Seems kind of pathetic to want or need something so bad that the mere thought or fantasy makes me want to crumple and sob…sometimes gratitude is joyful uplifting praise … what is it when you are grateful but can’t celebrate because in the moment the hunger is too blinding?

July 26. Appreciation for the acknowledgment that I can choose my partners, if I don’t want to comfort someone sexually it doesn’t matter what my reasoning or feelings about it are, I can say no. Likewise, when I am feeling appreciated….(interrupted…)

(January 2024) …I can reciprocate without shame…. Or at least I think I can…there is a part of me that very much wants “Daddy” to tell me I am such a good girl taking care of others as he takes care of me… no shame, no fear of punishment….Can I do this for myself? I can but physical connection, “when two or more come together in Divinity”, that is where my deeper satisfaction and healing are found.

(February) seems appropriate to add to this draft – I am trying to clear drafts out and tie up some of the loose ends in my head🫣. The cycles continue: two weeks of no shame and some level of satisfaction but the deepest healings come from being alone, music, art, masturbation. Spirit moves within me, water touches my skin. With the touch of desire from a lover, I wish I were in warm water all day and night.

(7th) Virgo is not wind beneath my wings. I don’t yet understand what we get from our relationship, why he wants to take up space in my life or why I tolerate him taking up space (sometimes emotionally exhausting me…guess I do that to myself also) I just know he gets preachy about me always bringing up my ex-husband and it just feels well sorry, babe, but you’re the one reminding me of why I had to get out! Why spend the night together and barely touch? And sleep in separate rooms? I try to pet, it’s too much, he rubs his foot against mine I rub back he pulls away because “I tickle”, so I tickle again, does he want to play games? No, he gets grumpy… so don’t touch. He tells me he loves me and I am fine, but I am NOT fine. I am constantly trying to be what he needs while I feel inadequate, unsexy, withered and wasted…like I’m gaslighting myself, brainwashing myself that this feeling is okay, that in this relationship I am free, I can get my “dickings” fool around and have a heart(?) to come home to… he talks about going to molly parties and getting our freaks on… I dread the idea of revealing myself to people I may see in town… as much as I want to uncage myself… and as much as I love him it feels more like we are helping each other heal because we are still so influenced by the recovery from our previous toxic relationships but not the sustainable passion, and compliments of energy to satiate and empower me…but what do I know…

February Cycles

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Fuck February … there is a special feel in the air, but my own confusion brought on by intrusive, trained, misperceptions to fear the dreams of my soul and purpose in this dimension or life…is just making February feel more urgent to be decisive about things I don’t think I should have to choose from… BOTH, I can have both. I don’t deserve it, it won’t make me a better person (but it will change my world and be beautiful to see)!

I was conceived in February, born in November. It has been in my memory for as long as I can think, to conceive in February. Is this my own rebirth or the conception of the twin girls that I have seen in dreams for much of my life? I’m finally at a happy weight and reasonable physical fitness, can my body handle a tenth pregnancy? Why do I think my desire manifests fate? Conception is Divine, and I truly believe a miracle every time. So why waste my thought & energy doing anything to facilitate or fight something I don’t believe I have or want control over?! & if I do have any influence I want them, Cancer and Virgo DNA balancing mine, not one or the other… why do I feel more balance in a trinity than on a scale? But the conviction wavers, balance, scales, triad, triangle spinning like a top out of control, centrifugal force splits, pulls it in two. What is the third force? Where does it go and how does it magnetize to bring the trinity into cohesive balance?

And what of my travels? Also in my souls’ desires but does not feel like “purpose” or I have yet to understand the value of educational adventure as Divine purpose. I want to go, glean the knowledge and experiences of other cultures, but what do I have to offer abroad? How would I be serving?

I want another pregnancy. I want to travel. I want family, community, that is of one accord harmonious in Perfect Love, which casts out all fear. I want I want I want… my poor fucking hungry ego… empathy for myself is a good thing… not all my desires come from selfish insecurities. Wants, needs, and desires overlap a lot…

Unbelievable

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I see my growth. I see my slow healing process. I do not want to discount any of it but I am also so impatient to stop repeating situations and circumstances to learn lessons about loving people in which I just cycle about confused!

Virgo is my “emotional support human”. I feel weak without them near, helping me regulate my emotions and reactions to the world around me; they are my side-kick, or I am their’s, helping us both be more social and brave amongst society; my Jimmeny Cricket consciousness when I fail to empathize with how I may treat others (really sorry -had no idea that would be an insensitive comment or behavior). At first glance one might get the impression they are a dirty hippie, and I think they prefer sarcastic insults of such, over my romantic gushings over their masculine prowess and form. Virgo is a turn-on for sure… except…my every spark seems to be water on their flame… am I really a turn-on? Or is it the acceptance and safety that allows you to fuck me every couple weeks, with the help of Molly? Are you really ok with the polyamory or do you just say that to keep me holding on? Do you really understand how deeply I love and care but won’t be satisfied without feeling desired? feelings of complete transparency?

Then the pseudo rejection from the Elusive Cancer. The years of casually crossing paths and gazing into each other’s eyes. The few nights together that still fuel my desires. The music that feels like the cradle of my heart’s home. My ego that tells me they want me just as badly “when I meet the criteria” (whatever that may be) while Ego also tells me I never will, I am both too good and not good enough, to put it simply… and I say pseudo rejection because while their message said no, it felt from the ego; the music and the body say yes and it feels from the soul. So what holds us apart? Me? You? Circumstances? Time? Growth? Ego?

Till morning…

Or a couple days later… great weekend visiting with the kids. Then Virgo and I had an adult night and wonderful recovery day, hiking and cuddles and morning wood! cancer was never far from my mind and I was obviously delighted when Virgo read my mind complimented a song on the radio saying it sounded like Cancer’s style. I’ve done portraits of both… and just don’t understand how I can have such split devotions but that’s why I am polyamorous, right? So I can be transparent and open about who I want to spend my time with. But it makes me sad that Cancer doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me…so I’m missing something… besides his hands on me, his energy, soaking him in….

I fight sleep, I fight writing about it. I fight going uninvited, and I fight offering myself up, again… I love whoever I am with, I love myself when I am alone… I like being alone, but I love feeling love and connection…

Holding back

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I drove by your house, again tonight. The lights were on but it looked lonely and I again imagined parking in front, opening the gate as quiet as I can and nervously knocking on the door as I search for a bell button but listen for music, don’t want to disturb any recording or creative flow… so I drive by, allowing your lyrics to fill my thoughts and push out the insecurities badgering.

I would be so content just to sit in your presence, listen to you practice… I’d probably have to do something with my hands, crochet or art…wait until you were ready for my touch… Why do I sit here and dream and romanticize instead of just showing up, removing the doubt, destroy a delusion and find reality… your songs interject so appropriately “enough for today”, I am enough… but I also have responsibilities puppies to take care of, money to make tomorrow… so I’ll turn off everything but your songs I have chosen to be my lullabies. I will count you among my blessings 🙏

My Own Damn Man

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Abandoned, I searched

Be my friend, Brother

Validate me, Lover

Take care of me, Daddy

Mommy me, will fix everything

Sister me, will never leave

Lover, let me try to be

Angel and Devil

To fulfill your desires

Is it me? Is it men? I can feel adored and worthless at the same time? Sure you kinda like me, ok you love me, but what does that mean?! And how do I feel love? Why do I feel like I can’t sacrifice enough and no sacrifice is sufficient for me?

A few days, moods undulate, and my head clears. I don’t want any sacrifices, nor do I want to be one. I want to feel connected; I am connected. The less connected to humans, the more connected to God, Divinity, I feel.

Unfortunately that connection to Divinity feels thinned when my physical connections are minimized as they have been of late… yes, I mean sex.

That’s part of my quest though, isn’t it? to learn to self-regulate? Feel and follow my truth? Mindfully stay conscious differentiating between my desires and the desires of those whom my may manipulate my empathy into guilt. Is it maturity that helps me to recognize this behavior now? Prospective partners are so appreciative of me, and I am left feeling ungrateful because I want more. I want reciprocation, pet for pet, care for care, an equally yoked respect for ourselves, each other, and our surroundings.

So… back in October all this frustration with feeling desired by the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, generally misunderstood, and always rushed, I quit plucking my facial hairs. Wasn’t sure how much of a beard I’d get but I have a sweet split Bella Lugosi, goatee. It is mostly white so was not very noticeable without a second look for a long time, but now it’s abou two inches and starting to curl along my jaw. It delights me.

Friends and family aren’t so delighted, some border on disgusted. which, also delights me. Hirsutism is more common than people know because women are shamed. I am told frequently “you are too pretty” (to have chin hair!?) This is how I am made! I think men look better with facial hair. Now I guess I feel better knowing I am not hiding anything superficially this is me like it or leave it.

I wondering if I can keep it a whole year? Or maybe even competing in some of the beard competitions— would they make a womens division or make me compete with the big boys? 🤣🙏

Hopeless

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I can’t take it anymore! Being in love and being horny as fuck and wondering what the fuck love is… I am done not getting …

Almost two weeks later…

Still frustrated but also back in this space of acceptance… I don’t need to have sex to feel loved. Cuddles and friendship can be enough and is more than so many people get… I like the beard I’ve grown and too many feelings tell me to keep it even though I witness it being a turn-off and a threat to a lot of men. Which is actually great because a lot of men are not worth my time.

My frustration comes from not accomplishing my goals; being distracted by emotions and mundane chores of life in which I lack discipline; deep longing for a partner who motivates me through their love and companionship, their own self-assurance. Of course I can’t ask for something I cannot reciprocate, thus my current struggle….

The beard (just a sweet natural Gotee) expresses my frustration with Love, with men, always attracted to me, tits and ass and an ok face I guess, well trained to be kind, polite, submissive, subordinate. in third grade I was told I needed to shave my legs, then body oder and mom started me shaving my underarms, then the bikini hairs start to cross the borders… dad told my self-conscious teenage angst that my mom was “always so cute the way her pubic hairs curled around her shorts when we were dating”! AAH the 60’s sound fun. But in my age group it was not cute…and not acceptable… and it still generally isn’t. I don’t know why I feel compelled keeping all my hair, but more and more it just feels right for me, all natural, balanced feminine and masculine…

Filling in the blanks

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Want to… tell you all my secrets and feels and write to you like you are my diary or prayers and confessions to god… but I’m just not gonna waste your time-do you actually read it all? You never respond… my time will be wasted anyways better to put it here than invest where I feel no return… but I try to justify every little crumb as valuable returns, imagine you’re just too hurt and intimidated to open up and communicate your feels for me without being drunk or on some substance… but this is how I feel about all my relationships who can tolerate me without a chemical buffer? 😔

you know where I am; you know what I want and offer… after that I’m just being dumb… waiting dreaming, begging with the energy I invest holding hope for returns, creating delusions to manifest some kind of love and relationship I don’t even know

And the irrational questions I’m afraid to ask? Did my pussy even feel good? Did you fit? Could we have a baby and travel the world before we get any older? can we trade massages, pets, every day and fuck every morning? Do we have to wait until we feel “grown-up”? Am I delusional or do we share some kind of cosmic intimacy?

I don’t know why I hurt so much. So afraid of not being loved if I say what I want and need. I hate the fear and using any crumb of attention to avoid facing the challenges I want to accomplish.