Mommy

It has been one year since I chose to not put up with my ex’s bullshit. One year since he kicked me out for standing up for myself.

One year not living with my babies.

When I get my two youngest for the one night, every-other weekend of the month, it is indeed bittersweet. We miss each other so much. We have grown unfamiliar with the things we used to have in common. I dont know the routine their dad keeps them on and they aren’t used to my more natural, seemingly random/spontaneous way of living. They do say it is happier, but they get bored not having as much material, especially electronic, entertainemnt in their days. I never liked tv and games taking up their time. I never really liked the way he wanted to raise the children…so I try to convince myself, they have always been his, not mine…whuch just makes it harder to think I am going to lose them.

Codependent insecurities

The things I think and feel sometimes makes me feel like a pathetic worm.

One the one hand I finally realize I cant respect a man I dont see as “beautiful” as he sees me. I dont understand my admirers. I see a big face, thick body, saggy boobs (always! Not just from kids but thwy have always bean flesh bags for milk not perky or lovely breasts at all). I may have an hour glass figure but really mothing any more special about me than anyone else. There are definitely more beautiful women in the world. Yet, these men and boys are drawn to me for some reason and I see the good qualities and ignore the superficial since I dont appreciate my own superficial beauty that much.

On the contrary side though because I have been with men thatvi dont “worship” at least as equally as they seem to me I dont really respect them…it starts there and goes deeper…this one is cute but has no self-confidence and wont make anything of his talent. This one is sweet and thinks he is entitled but doesnt respect all he has been given in life. That one is beautiful, but has some kind of fucked up way of hating the world around him.

The analyst says my expectations for a relationship have become unrealistically high…well if God is supposed to be my number one, then anyone who wants to stand next to me has a lot to measure up to, especially since I see God a bit differently than the majority of Christians.

Now there is a new man….and I want him. I see him as beautifully flawed, I want to help him be more and yet he’s perfect in so many unexpected ways. So, my insecurieties bubble up. He’s superfically beautiful, like me–but am I pretty enough to keep him? He is smart and can solve problems, like me–but am I smart enough dispite those times I am a total airhead? He seems to like the way I want to cling to him and hold him when we have time together and right now I am inder the impression he wants as much time with me as I want with him hidden from the world just loving each other and feeling safe in each others arms until we are fortified against the hard world outside.

Of course all that makes me scared and so I retreat into my God’s love and the imaginary world I have of Jesus being the only one who could ever love me and help me be the person I need to be to find the happiness the ones who love me most want me to find.

These are my deep thoughts and I am not even stoned (maybe a little drunk from the sour milk I had to try THREE times before I was convinced it really isn’t drinkable LOL).

I am pretty convinced I should not have a relationship until my career is fully underway, but I also cant imagine not having a friend and lover to make just being alive better.

I know I need to be an example to my kids, morally, wthically, realistically (because let’s just be honest, ethics and morals are put on pedistools like they should be the easiest high standards but the truth is the pedistools are standing in the quicksand of relativism).

Guess I still have a lot to think about.

Self loathing

When I hate the world, I hate myself more for not being kind and loving.

When I hate myself, I dont want to be around anyone because I know I can feel nothing they feel.

My own feelings run rampant in self abuse must be kind musy love allow the hate for the anger and confusion I feel to pass through me and burn in the light where it is too bright for me to see. Let me slink into the safety of the blackness. Heaven is not what I was taught as a child, a utopian paradise of dreams and imagination the peace of the heaven I dream of is a void a blackness the light is energy colors and patterns the firing of universal synapses as I watch from outside the storm…therein do I long to be. In the nothing that is everything and I am not emotion but simply consciousness.

unrealistic expectations

Once I made a wish for blue sanguine eyes for energy like mine so there was no surprise so there was no reflection no lies to see through so there was no doubt my everything was you the blackhole in which all matter resides the center vortex of your energy and mine We need not make love fight nor laugh our breathing together devours the past there is nothing in everything your mind in mine energies entwined the universe unravels god feels sublime

Creative thoughts mixed with philosophy

So…yeah. Life is just always fucking life right? Ups downs high lows blah blah blah…what really thrills me about being alive is playing this game in my head of “How can I better myself? Or how is God using all the bullshit out side my spirit/body to refine the spirit inside my body?”

Honesty. Well, yes, for starters I AM stoned. Wonderfully relaxed and pretty much ay peace with who I am and what life is…not perfect, s l o w as fuck (but that is why my biggest lesson is patience in this life…obviously, painfully so) but I am paying Extremely close attention to life. To what I honestly want to create in the world around me. My job and how it relates to society (even tho it feels like such a distant almost impossible dream sometimes I tell myself not to be negative and to just keep having faith my business will come together and become a legacy –is that…egotisical? I want a legacy but only in as much as I hope to leave a positive change in the world when I leave…but that does feel like seeking reward in this world and not BEING PATIENT for God’s reward.)

So anyways…I am trying and taking opportunities to find out the truth of who God created in me. Not a persona I think I need to keep up but just as genuine projectiin of my inner soul to the world around me.

Inspiration

A fleeting moment

of hope and light

that perfect dusk

in the warm evening sun

a smile that washes over me 

and spills out

my chakra blaze

my pulse grows dense slow

love overwhelms me

you make me somehow

 whole

Challenged

…myself…I dont really accept challenges from others because I know I generally forget and let them down…I would normally let myself down…weak with desire…yes the deepest of my sins…lust…which I rationalize as an intense need to give love to those in need…always looking for the worthy one who doesnt need me but somehow, doesnt reject me and leaving me feeling lonely or relieved to be alone.

I dont want to be alone. I dont want to get trapped in my own routines and dogma and all that shit that drives me bat shit crazy….but yet I dont want to compromise my own comforts…Perfect (who now seems imperfect or just proof of my state of delusion) any ways that irish heartache seemed to call it “Coexistence” but I didnt see in him a desire to serve those he might be coexisting with….everything was so separate.  But I miss enmeshment…I dont want ego and powerplays and control or jealousy…but I do want compassion and service to each other…I want bodies sweatie and hot against each other but holding on for the dear comfort of feeling hearts beat against each other.

I want a love and joy to be together to bend the depths and highths of peace and elation. I want someone I can constantly admire for their honor and consistency of morals. Common sense versus hypocrisy?

I am trying so hard to be slow and patient and to totally be honest about reality to the clearest of my perceptions. I want to be balanced. I want to erase self manifested negative situatiins ie NO DRAMA. NO PAINFUL EMOTIONS. ..I am just too scared of what the world is becoming to want to feel anymore of that negativity. I want to show the world how to live in love and peace and acceptance of all life…I want this so much it hurts deeply, painfully…no anger please. But you can still spank my ass 😉😂😍