Vanish

If I could erase myself from your life, what would I forget?

Every notion every trinket, could simply disappear, but how do I scrub the memory, of simply being here?

And how would it help me, trying to make you forget? While I suffer alone with the love I could not give….

will not give, but keep locked away for myself, because no one should love a monster or submit to such ugly pain.

Vanish into my vanity… Slip into the dark. Breathe seeking sanity, succumb to the farse. Hold me tight dear monster, I cannot disappear, but I can hide a little longer, taking comfort in my fear.

Dear world

I want to be loud! I want to be proud of who I am and how I express myself and I’m really tired of feeling like it’s too much for the people around me. Hiding myself is soul crushing I would rather die because I just feel so boxed in cage. I don’t know if this is because of my traumas or my life? I don’t know why it feels like God is inside nagging me to stop hiding.

I’m so sick of trying to fit in; trying to live up to expectations, trying to find myself or a version of myself in the reflections of the people who love me and become a person that I’m happy with that I’m comfortable with that I’m proud of! who also lives up to all the expectations and can take care of herself! and the people that love her because she loves …. because I can’t imagine any other reason to be here.

Yes! I am selfish as fuck! Or could be…

I have the peace that passeth understanding. What makes me so strong? What breaks me every day? Trying to live this life.

I would take the physical beating. I would brave fires of hell. We have made this world, this culture, this rat race, so much of a competition, souls are broken, or souls are blind. What punishment for sin could be worse?

(I think right now, many people feel this way. I think this collective recognition of life in hell, is what brings Revelations.)

Que Sera Sera Vis Mon Amour

The sexuality thing

The labels: nymphomaniac, hyper-sexual, cougar, kitten, slut….

The trauma: parents divorce, molestation, abuse, TBI, gas-lighting, drama cycle, divorce, death of child

The coping mechanisms?

I am so fucking horny. My libidio is just fucking scaring me. Maintaining professional boundaries is still going good, and I recognize the cycle of itching temptation, it just seems stronger right now. If I’m attracted to the spirit I want, need, long, hunger for the body. I just want the body; I want no boundaries.

I stop myself because I have matured (or been broken?) enough to recognise I want to BE WANTED.

{Intrusive thought: Do the preyed upon have an instinctual desire, not just programming from trauma, to be victims? Is that why some animals seem to kamikaze into traffic? and could that coincide with the theory that each life is a quantum equation, trauma being the negative intergers to balance the equation… The victims programming serves the positive purpose in another equations trauma thus shadow and light connect in the collective}

So between these random glimpses of comprehension, momentary life distractions, all I can think and feel is my body. It whispers, sighs, moans, groans, screams “touch me, fuck me, get me fucked, sucked, squeezed!” My breasts ache. I want a breast pump just so I can have them both suckled so hard it burns as they remember to make milk. My pussy, honestly, she has always felt a bit like her own entity, commanding the rest of me to serve (cock) and satisfy (cock) her desire to (cock) know (cock) feel ( cock, wet, orgasmic, full) and taste (cock, pussy, all the fluids) the world, THE WORLD.

I do not serve my pussy; my pussy serves me. I am on constant guard to hold my thrown…. A thrown I don’t think I have ever really owned…at least not to the point of satisfying my sexuality. Pussy was the shameful beast kept hidden but fed, only displayed for temporary entertainment, “wow” the audience kind of stuff. It’s hazey but I think as I take more responsibility for the rest of me (fulfilling life/worldly/physical dreams while I have a physical life) I see Pussy and I need to rule this life together.

Yes, I am attracted to people and can touch them professionally without crossing boundaries. I can have a personal life in which my sexual desires are fulfilled.

I can acknowledge that when I am not with my king I want all the lusty, delicious things with no thought other than energizing, power snacks. When I am with my king … (Why do I become sheepish?!) I want to own my hunger. I want to have the power to go slow, feed, feel my body satiated piece by delectable piece. Romance, tenderness, attention to the depth and detail in each other, vulnerability, passion, comfort, safety, security, finding the empowerment in ourselves through each other.

You constantly impress me… Keep me longing for and wanting you…questioning my own motivation, what makes me worthy, valuable, desirable… What do I do with myself to keep you feeling, interacting with me the way you have and the way I love…I worry, “how do I keep him from getting bored with me?” But you’re so kind to me and encourage me so much, that I follow that with, “why does ‘growth’ in a relationship coincide with an idea of boredom? Am I more worried about his boredom and complacency or my own?”

I’m not sad, really only slightly concerned. I’ve already admitted I hold this hopeful place in my heart that you will be the best friend and lover I’ve always longed for, for the rest of my life…I also admitted I don’t give that space much power, trust, because I have lost that intimacy with so many others. I can’t trust myself to not be weak, hurt by the natural evolution of intimate relationships I have learned from.

You helped me understand why I push so many people away not wanting to give of myself to superficial “friends”. I want depth. I want intimacy. I want to be authentic; I want to fully know and understand myself. I feel I need to be surrounded by people who are willing to see, ask, and hear these deeper conversations. It is a scary vulnerable desire, but anyting less leaves me empty and alone.

So here I am with my life so full of transition. My lover, my best friend, who I want to share and whom I hope can feel comfortable sharing me. I wonder if polyamoury is my choice from fear, insecurity, or selfishness.

Am I afraid I am not enough, or do I want validation that I am the best? Am I afraid of going deeper, trusting one person alone, with ALL of me? Do I want other relationships to protect me from investing too much hope in an unpredictable future? Or maybe I am addicted to the fires of fresh passions, devaluing a relationship (myself) when the hunger has been satiated and I am no longer the new adventure to be tasted, explored, devoured… This seems/ to hold weight, my narcissism, my selfish insecurity that if I don’t feel that passion in your touch, hunger in your kiss… If I don’t feel FROM you, what I feel FOR you …. Is it me? Am I normal? Is that unrealistic to expect? Are deep hungry kisses just a passing phase in every relationship? Why is that so important to me? (because I expect to get old and hope that making-out will never be lost to me …)

Why do I want other lovers? Sometimes, I want sex, intimacy, to be more fun? Not kinky, sexy, grown-up “fun”, but kids play. I long to drop the pretenses, fears and go back to the curiosity of childhood. We can read all about orgasms and how the body is made and works but we get shamed as kids for playing and doing “naughty things” with our bodies as kids. Guess what? I am a grown-up and can do anything I want if it doesn’t break a law or hurt anything. So, can I have friends that admit to and seek the curiousity and playfulness we had as children? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours? and let’s see what fits in these holes we have? I just want life to stay fun, funny, curious, interesting…worth living.

Can growing up not be so much about “acting mature and well behaved”? Can being friends and lovers be a space to not be “grown-up”? I want play dates.

Therapy (Rest in Peace my son)

Therapy, that’s half of why I write isn’t it?

Kind of looking at my existential crisis like it’s a bunch of frayed twine that somehow, if I could organise my thoughts, solve these hang-ups I have, I could turn life into a very sturdy rope, strong enough to keep wind in my sails and reach a desirable destination.

My first born passed away, his face in my hands. I stroked his beard and asked him to leave me with a smile. He did. He was 28. He loved me so much; it scared me. He was (is?) my son. I wasn’t a great mother. I am so emotional. He told me the first time he saw me cry it destroyed his world, he was just a baby but he remembered. I feel awful for wanting to cry but stopping myself even in the shared grief with his younger siblings.

If you’ve read enough of my posts you know my marriage was its own weird thing. I married the father of my children, before I knew how many or who they would be I knew he would give them to me.

We were engaged, living together temporarily while I applied for colleges and hoped I could get instate tuition then move into the dorms… The conversation of me moving out didn’t go well, my fiance was afraid I’d take after some young college guy. It never came to that because a tree limb fell on my head; at the hospital we found out I was pregnant but the trauma was certainly going to be too much for the barely-a-baby to survive, if I was lucky enough to.

I had wanted to be a mommy since I was three; I had faith we would pull through and we did. Studies show an embryo will send the mother stem cells to protect her. From the beginning he was my angel, and I tried to be his. Did I try too hard or not hard enough? They told us when he was six he was showing signs prone to cancer. We tried diet changes. We inadvertently tried different locations and lifestyles. Some things, I have to accept I couldn’t have changed. (What if I had had the strength -family support- to be a single mom?) Was I too lenient, was my love too unconditional?! Was I supposed to fight harder to keep him here with me?

I have to remind myself of our conversations. “I won’t care I’ll be dead!” He said it, tongue in cheek, but was very serious and very stubborn. When he was 17(?) We took a family road trip, I can’t remember why we took two cars, I think it was so he could get the drive time for his license; we spent several hours in the little truck just the two of us. We dared each other to answer all questions with total honesty. We got to know each other really well, we covered so many topics, and more intimately than most mother son relationships without being too weird… Or so I thought….

The sicker he got and the more time we spent together the less his joking about his Oedipus complex sounded like a joke. My own issues (I AM SPECIAL DAMNIT!) twisted that into this challenge of “could I cure my son if I had sex with him?”

Just thinking it shocked me. My head races with debate of morals, ethics, religion, fear, faith or lack of faith in miracles…

Of course I was raised being taught molestation, incest, sex in general is a sin outside of procreation…my mother was molested, I was molested, so I am pretty secure knowing I wouldn’t use love as a power play with any child. Incest is obviously horrible for the gene pool, but if intimacy is conscentual, what besides religion makes it “sinful”? If I wasn’t afraid of condemnation, would I have had intercourse with my son? I don’t think so. What if it would have saved his life?

How long will I beat myself up with that question?

Besides telling us incest is a sin, the Bible /religion, tells us the faith of a mustard seed can move a mountain; our faith can make miracles happen! Sometimes prophets were told to lay out wool, hit a rock, or just take a step in faith and miracles happened! and all who saw, believed. Being the facilitator of a miracle usual came with a lot of judgement, persecution from sceptics. So my fucked up head keeps trying to let go of this notion that if I had done the unthinkable, had sex with my son – as he so desired, a miracle would happen and his cancer would vanish and he’d be here for me…

Selfish. Delusional and selfish that’s all I can think of myself, but I like to throw in faithless coward for the other side of the arguement.

The ultimate excuse

Safety. Isn’t that all that’s ever lacking? Will I be safe in this environment?

This image will make everyone feel something different and I am not alone in how I feel, but I wonder if I can express my feels in a way those who don’t have the same response could understand?

When I leash my dog it is to protect him from people, places, circumstances that he is curious about but doesn’t have the judgement, self control, wisdom to avoid harm.

Sometimes I feel this way. I don’t want to have self control. I want to walk up to strangers, feel and stick my nose their goods.

I can dream about being on a leash, a long one, and being dressed how I like to dress, just an open invitation to “pet me!”. Not being concerned because I know at the end of my leash is someone who will love and protect me and not let anyone steal me or hurt me.

I want this when I don’t feel strong or wise enough to protect myself. When I want to bolt and explore, sniff out adventure and excitement.

No place feels very safe as I watch my son die, my money run out, bills and chores pile up. Life will go on, and somehow I will find peace and wisdom to live gracefully, create my own safety. Until then, I am in battle, it isn’t a constant fight, but it is never far away. Rebellion is my camouflage, gorilla tactics, savage anarchy, and I wish I was leashed so I could act out all my pain, fear, frustration, while this ultimate excuse is such an easy scapegoat. My baby, has cancer. My 28 yr old son is dying. Life isn’t fair, death is inevitable but always a surprise.

Conformity blocks, refines, bottles emotions and leaves my soul an industrial wasteland. Hold my leash while I return to the wild, hold on tight while I run and lash out, let me live without boundaries, keep me from hurting anyone, except myself.

My sex interview: preferences and favorites

https://yoursexinterview.com/2020/06/12/preferences-favorites-my-answers/

PREFERENCES & FAVORITES

Question 1: Describe the physical characteristics you prefer. No lover is likely to be perfect, but describe your ideal lover’s body:

    • Body (height / build / skin tone / hair & eye color / other): short answer: 6’3″/ slim, but sturdy/ sandy blond to red hair, big eyes
    • Genitalia (sizes / characteristics / grooming / other): natural body hair, size isn’t as important as knowing how to use what you got, I have had nubs and schlongs, be confident and knowledgeable in how my vag works and it won’t matter what size. I like foreskin though I haven’t had a lot of experience with it. I prefer a defined mushroom tip over a rocket. My fingers & mouth like to explore ridges and veins along the shaft, so much to appreciate. I like medium to large testicles, not too huge, but big enough to slap me with every thrust.

I can be attracted to any body type but anything skinny and over six two gets my attention real quick.

My physiological “ideal” tends to come from mating purposes. I want a red headed baby/twins if I am going to get pregnant (one last time, from a different baby daddy🙄). This would require said sperm donor to be fair or red hair and freckles, freckles are a must, blue eyes a bonus. I think it might be possible with a black man with freckles, but genetics are so random-ish I know it will be up to fate.

I love hairy chests, and a hard dick should touch the wall before a beer belly, mainly for sexual practicality.

Question 2: Favorite position:

the one I am in the mood for. Usually having my legs up high, just hit the wall and I’ll be happy.

Question 3: Favorite music to make love two? (list up to 3)

Again, mood, primal and rough? Nine Inch Nails. Playful? LMFAO. slow and romantic? Classic oldies or jazz. Wanna make me dance and seduce you? Pop, good stripper music😻

Question 4: Do you prefer lights on or off and why?

If we are having fun, lights on so I know we are connected, if we are deeply making love, lights off and meditative.

Question 5: What is your favorite location to have sex? (bed, chair, couch, floor, shower, car, porch, pool, Jacuzzi, rooftop, etc.) Feel free to list top two if you can’t decide.

My absolute favourite? Anyplace I haven’t. Somewhat public, car, park, elevator? Great for a quicky, very exciting! Out in nature, away from most if not all people? Yes! Bend me over a rock, pin me against a tree, lay me in the sand…

Question 6: What is you favorite place on your body to be touched other than your genitals?

Everywhere. You want to really excite me I better feel both hands rubbin, pulling, pinching, grabbing, anywhere & everywhere. Skin is the largest organ on the body, touch and wake up every inch.

Question 7: Do you prefer that a lover make a lot of noise or that they are silent? (or describe what sounds you prefer they make)

I want to feel my lovers unencumbered passion. If that means they moan deeply and softly or growl like a bear with release, just don’t hold back.

Question 8: What time of day do you prefer?

Morning. I find it hard to have a good day with out proper morning orgasms.

Question 9: Do you prefer it hard or gentle? (granted this may change depending on your mood, bot which do you more often prefer?)

This definitely changes. My preference is all. Wanna start rough? Then end softly. Need the slow and gentle build build up great! Then finish with BANG!

Question 10: How often would you prefer to have sex?

MINIMUM, every three days, after that my moods can get ugly. Best is two or three times a day.

Your sex interview:

NEXT LEVEL

Question 1: Can sex be great if it’s just physical, with no relationship (the other person is extremely attractive but random)?Yes. I have had at least one encounter in which we never said anything to each other. I was 15, snuck out of the friends house where I was staying, and walked to the campground not far, and found the tent of the fellow whom we had previously had dinner with him and his family at his family home. We kept exchanging looks but nothing more. He seemed to be expecting me, I crawled into his tent we fucked beautifully and then I went back to my hosts’ and went to bed. We never talked or recognised each other again even though I am sure our paths crossed.
Question 2: Have you ever had an extra strong orgasm and lost control (way more than usually if you lose control often)? How were you different during such an orgasm?There are times (usually rougher, when physical boundaries are being tested) when my orgasms are full body spastic seizures almost to the point of being painful. I can spray at least a quart maybe two if things are done just so and the release is phenomenal but not satiating, I want more until I am exhausted. Slow deep orgasms, especially clitoral, when my body rests and only my clit spasms are much more satisfying.
Question 3:Would you rather have an amazing orgasm yourself or give/watch the person you were having sex with an amazing orgasm (if it had to be one or the other)?I really enjoy making a guy come, don’t feel I have ever given a women a real orgasm, but I am a lot easier so it really depends on my mood. I have gotten over the NEED to get a guy off if he would rather just get me off, fine have at it🤣🤣
Question 4: Have you ever been inappropriately propositioned by someone (someone who shouldn’t have been propositioning you)? Did you turn them down? Did you tell anybody? (if more that once, answer with the most scandalous or interesting.)Hahahaha… So many times. At 15 I gave in at took extra “house cleaning” money for letting old dude take semi-nude pictures of me, after a few sessions he got me to use a vibrator on his ass which I thought was gross because I wasn’t attracted to him at all but I also thought it was funny.

Question 5: What is something that you like to watch, read or think about when you masturbate, that would embarrass you to say?Nothing will embarrass me much…except those moods where I wonder about horse and donkey dicks looking so similar to humans but HUGE, I like dicks, I want to touch and see how they react. Medical study stuff turns me on a lot.

Question 6: If someone wanted to seduce you, describe how they could best do so?

Love me, touch me…this hurts to think about because as an “easy” hypersexual, I don’t think anyone has ever truly put in the effort to seduce me like they would an average woman because they don’t have to… So I don’t deserve it?

Find the original author, interviewer, here: https://yoursexinterview.com/2020/06/05/really-super-harder-sex-questions/

Kinks & Fetishes

KINKS & FETISHES

My answers to

https://yoursexinterview.com/2020/06/19/kinks-fetishes-my-answers/

Question 1: Have you tried BDSM? How hard core did you get with it? Thoughts?

I played with it during my marriage, my ex was very Dominant. I have talked about it with friends (more experienced than me) but we have not had a chance to play together, hoping our time is coming soon. I am naturally submissive but am trying to embrace and express my very repressed dominant side. I like some sado-mascocism just because I like passion in its most primal form, which can get a bit rough.

Question 2: Have you tried a poly relationship or swinging? Would you like to? Thoughts?

I have always believed in poly. I frequently had/have more than one bf at time, (aside from the 20 years of monogamy). I like to think of it like one for each of my extremes, be sweet with this one and snarky with that one, guys don’t like how moody women are so women just need a different guy for every mood. WOW I just said that …okay moving on….swinging? Maybe, with the right people, hard to say…

Question 3: Have you been to an adult, clothing optional resort like Hedonism II? Would you like to? Would you go if your spouse wanted to?

I like to go to our quiet local hot spring which is clothing optional. Heaven on Earth.

Question 4: Have you tried public or group nudity? (Nudist Colony? Nude bike ride? Nude beach? Skinny dipping with friends? Nude resorts? Other?) Would you you like to participate in any such activity?

I grew up pretty nudist, but my marriage was not, so yes, now that I have the choice, I want to try them all!

Question 5: Is there any other kink or fetish you have participated in? Or, any you wish to try or desire? Tell us about it?

Golden showers, shibari, roll play with and without costumes,cross dressing, pegging, food play, DP, MMF, FFM, FF; I am a “breeder” the idea of getting pregnant (yes again!) turns me on, as do so many many other things. As to what I have and have not tried, that’s for me to know and you to imagine.

Extra Credit: If you have any kinks or fetishes, can you tell us your thoughts on where the fetish might stem from? What might be the psychology behind the desire?

Pegging, to be able to fuck a man the way I want to be fucked and hopefully in a way he’d enjoy; to be given the trust and honour of his submission. To have the authority of a Queen over her man.

Secrets & Lies, my answers

https://yoursexinterview.com/2020/06/12/your-sex-questions-set-4-secrets-lies/

SECRETS & LIES

Question 1: Has anyone you known ever cheated on their significant other (behind their back) ? If so, tell us about the most scandalous. (were you there or how did you hear about it? How did you feel about it? Their significant other ever find out? They still together? etc.)

I have been witness to the outcomes of several different couples’ affairs. First hand to a couple. Three of the four I remember off hand ended in divorce and both parties happier in their next relationships.

My mom threw roses against my bedroom door, glass from the shattered vase skidding under the crack of the door just missing my stepfather on the other side; they divorced after two years. (I learned don’t fuck with my mom and that she’s a very jealous/insecure woman.)

On a river trip I watched one couple pull away from each other as the husband grew closer to a single girl in the group. Last night on the river they got caught and the whole camp was awakened by the wives screaming / arguing.

My poly views seem to taint my perspective because I always think, “so what?”

Question 2: What is your most scintillating sexual secret? Any naughty secret you will take to your grave? If you have no secret that you haven’t told anyone, tell us the naughtiest one that you’ve told the fewest about.

You didn’t answer this one… I kind of feel like I have already answered these in some of my other posts… It doesn’t feel like a secret, but I think few people correlate that most of my fantasy fiction stories are things I don’t think I would mind even in reality.

Question 3: What is the naughtiest secret you know about someone else? (friend, acquaintance, or friend of friend etc.)

I know adult children who deeply want to fuck their parents. Definitely a line I myself am not willing to cross.

Question 4: Do you keep anything about your sexual history secret from your significant other? (last or future if you are single) This could be number of partners, past reputation, a naughty act or encounter, crazy night, cheating, etc.)

Nope, open book, total transparency. If I don’t babbel it out on my own, all they have to do is ask.

Question 5: Do you talk about your sex life with any of your friends? What would shock or surprise them most to know about your sex life?

I talk, I kind of think that’s why I don’t have many friends; I choose them carefully. I can keep secrets, I just don’t like any of them to be about me…the few friends I do have and what they do know, really doubt anything about me would shock them.

Question 6: Do you do any flirting or anything naughty online or on your phone that your significant other doesn’t know about? (last significant other if you are single) – this might be porn watching, online relationship, chat rooms, texting an ex, sharing pics, phone sex, etc.)

All of he above and I mean, he doesn’t know every detail but I am pretty open and he knows the password (kids don’t 😏).

Question 7: Is there any secret that if you found out a significant other was keeping from you, it would be a deal breaker and you would break up with them?

I don’t like secrets. As long as there is honesty, I think I could forgive and work with anything. What I can’t live with is denial. Don’t deny me. Don’t deny yourself. I will keep unbiasly examining myself and be aware of my flaws, working to better them. I expect the same of anyone who wants my respect and affection.

Question 8: If you just happened to see a friend’s significant other kissing someone else outside a restaurant as you were driving by, what would you do? (tell friend? Talk to the significant other & get more facts? Keep mouth shut and stay out of it?)

I walked in on my dad’s boss’s wife straddling some other dude… I was visiting and had a baby on my hip but backed out that door pretty gracefully and went around to find my dad another way. I guess I was blushing, I told him right away and that couple was divorced shortly after, but I heard there were other reasons too…

Question 9: Is total honesty and openness the best policy in a relationship or are there some things that are better left not shared? (can you name a few?)

Yes, total transparency. I can only present myself as who I am. Maybe I am lazy, rude, selfish, but fuck! It’s a lot of work trying to hide things, hold pretenses, lie… If I am going to spend time with you, call you my friend, then I will be vulnerable. That’s not gonna happen unless I see and feel the same from you.

Question 10: Have you ever been hurt by a lie or secret (or by a serial liar or narcissist?) If so, what was one or two of their worst lies or secrets.

Read my blog. My above position stems from being lied to and toyed with. I am done with that shit.