I follow the moon a lot. I like to give it credit for a lot of my cycles: menses, emotions, money… what else is there? But I don’t know if I can blame the moon tonight.
Relationships, fall under emotions. Emotions can, but are not exclusive to, being affected by my menses, finances, relationship.
Right now I am:
- In love, with one man and uncertain of any others.
- Under stress financially, but know that usually works itself out if I keep my overhead and impulse spending down.
- Not too concerned with my menses, it will come or it won’t, then I will be aware of what path I may have before me.
- Feeling so, small, frail? “Clingy” is how the stud put it… I wasn’t sure what he ment… but maybe this is it?
Is this clingy? When I have gotten to spend several nights with my love and we have taken so much delight in each other, our activities, new places, new people, new positions ❤ …
and now we have to spend a night apart, ONE night. I have kids for the night, youngest sons and my grand daughter, and I am home with my dogs. Dogs and kids… the two most stressful parts of my life that I cling to for love and validation… and I miss my love. I feel incomplete, which makes me feel foolish. I feel sad, which makes me feel pathetic. I want to imagine that my feelings are one-sided…
With the stud, kids and dogs welcome, but my emotions definitely are one sided… he can ghost me without a care. I matter, but not that much. He wants to get me pregnant (thus “stud”), says we would be life partners if he did- but what does that mean with a guy who can ignore me so easily? Whom has at least two kids he didn’t take responsibility for, which he regrets, so that is something at least. I don’t want one-sided feelings tho… I also don’t want to depend on another person to feel complete, validated for living, and love… relationship with him kind of reminds me of that. I don’t need him, nor should I, we just enjoy the comfort of each other.
My love, it seems is everything I asked for… open honest communication, lots of time together, he listens, he considers me and makes an effort to keep me engaged in our relationship as well as going to extra effort to fit into my life… but he is done with kids and dogs… my biggest stressors, my biggest obligations in life, my heart’s comforts when there is little else… he concedes, he is so great with my kids (but there can’t be more, which literally brings me to tears even tho I feel too old to parent anymore). When he visits my home he tolerates the dogs, but doesn’t hide his hope in my consideration to rehome them because between needing to work and care for my son during his medical crisis I can’t give them enough time.
So here I am, wishing my emotions could be categorized, simply boxed into what I love and what I want… but still I ask, who wants me? Beyond sex and love, kids and dogs and baggage, who wants me to cling to them with all my insecurities and struggles to feel independent?
Why do I wish i was in the presence of my love almost constantly? Why do I struggle with wanting autonomy and wanting enmeshment?
And Why am I surrounded by alcoholics? Maybe that is another post…