nobody knows mom

I follow the moon a lot. I like to give it credit for a lot of my cycles: menses, emotions, money… what else is there? But I don’t know if I can blame the moon tonight.

Relationships, fall under emotions. Emotions can, but are not exclusive to, being affected by my menses, finances, relationship.

Right now I am:

• In love, with one man and uncertain of any others.
• Under stress financially, but know that usually works itself out if I keep my overhead and impulse spending down.
• Not too concerned with my menses, it will come or it won’t, then I will be aware of what path I may have before me.
• Feeling so, small, frail? “Clingy” is how the stud put it… I wasn’t sure what he ment… but maybe this is it?

Is this clingy? When I have gotten to spend several nights with my love and we have taken so much delight in each other, our activities, new places, new people, new positions ❤ …

and now we have to spend a night apart, ONE night. I have kids for the night, youngest sons and my grand daughter, and I am home with my dogs. Dogs and kids… the two most stressful parts of my life that I cling to for love and validation… and I miss my love. I feel incomplete, which makes me feel foolish. I feel sad, which makes me feel pathetic. I want to imagine that my feelings are one-sided…

With the stud, kids and dogs welcome, but my emotions definitely are one sided… he can ghost me without a care. I matter, but not that much. He wants to get me pregnant (thus “stud”), says we would be life partners if he did- but what does that mean with a guy who can ignore me so easily? Whom has at least two kids he didn’t take responsibility for, which he regrets, so that is something at least. I don’t want one-sided feelings tho… I also don’t want to depend on another person to feel complete, validated for living, and love… relationship with him kind of reminds me of that. I don’t need him, nor should I, we just enjoy the comfort of each other.

My love, it seems is everything I asked for… open honest communication, lots of time together, he listens, he considers me and makes an effort to keep me engaged in our relationship as well as going to extra effort to fit into my life… but he is done with kids and dogs… my biggest stressors, my biggest obligations in life, my heart’s comforts when there is little else… he concedes, he is so great with my kids (but there can’t be more, which literally brings me to tears even tho I feel too old to parent anymore). When he visits my home he tolerates the dogs, but doesn’t hide his hope in my consideration to rehome them because between needing to work and care for my son during his medical crisis I can’t give them enough time.

So here I am, wishing my emotions could be categorized, simply boxed into what I love and what I want… but still I ask, who wants me? Beyond sex and love, kids and dogs and baggage, who wants me to cling to them with all my insecurities and struggles to feel independent?

Why do I wish i was in the presence of my love almost constantly? Why do I struggle with wanting autonomy and wanting enmeshment?

And Why am I surrounded by alcoholics? Maybe that is another post…

That is what my brain feels like right now… life’s a party, so many great and wonderful things to appreciate and focus on and manifest. The party has gone horribly wrong. The music is dragging and being played over so I can’t hear the beat and keep pace, if I think I have it, it changes tempo completely and I am off balance, stumbling like a drunk. The lights are flickering sporadically, disco colours and strobes in the dark and bright florescent warehouse blinding me, off and on so I can never really gain focus. Not accomplishing enough business to enjoy the party and not enough party to forget the responsibility of the business.

If I could just keep my bills paid, focus on improving my vocation, helping people in the ways I have been gifted. I would give my services in body/ mind balance away for free to anyone who could listen openly of I didn’t have to deal with this social construct we have imposed on ourselves in which nothing in my life is secure, the bank or government could take my home anytime they want. My comfort and needs of daily hygiene, shelter, food, water, are precariously reliant upon my services being desired by costumers and not a lot of people want to face their darkness and take responsibility for the wellbeing of their own mind and health of their body.

I have this dream tho… and I have this amazing man that I have waited forever for his kind of love, for the way he inspires and encourages me to believe in my gifts, talents and dreams….

I tried so hard to do that in my marriage. I felt like such a failure because I could not encourage or build up my former spouse up enough to find his calling and confidently stand on his talents and gifts to make life better for all of us. So, I walked away feeling like I was not good at inspiring others, never safe or worthy to put in the effort,sacrifices, following his heart would require.

Now I have someone who has that light and enthusiasm and is reminding me that so do I. Can we do this for each other? Am I inspiring to him the way he is to me, will my own determination to conquer my fears and follow the inspirations of my heart, be his encouragement to do the same. We will inspire each other and grow each other and manifest our dreams to heal and inspire others to seek healing so they too can become full manifestations of their inner light.

If the struggle will just let us dance, if life can have balance and not stumbling blocks…

https://chopra.com/articles/the-4-paths-of-yoga

Enjoying reading this article but again find myself wondering what the difference is between soul and spirit as many things sound redundant. So that led to this find,

https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-difference-between-the-soul-and-spirit-in-the-context-of-alchemical-philosophy

I obviously don’t have time to read as much as I want so I thought well, I will drop things here and come back, sooner than later, I hope.

I don’t want to be a sexual deviant and I don’t think I have ever done anything criminal, but of sometimes my search history is not vanilla, in the least…

I have been very good at avoiding porn for the last six months… I want to avoid it because porn encourages desires that are difficult if not impossible for me to fulfill either because of taboo or social norms. My admiration of the human body and all forms of copulation has no bounds it would seem… someday, maybe, I will tell my lovers my real desire of their DNA mixing in my womb simultaneously, some kind of amazing cosmic bomb in my womb and one last perfect pregnancy and soul to guide to a path of honest self truth. Sometimes I wish I didnt have my heart so hopefully set on impossibilities …

Lord your grace is sufficient and your love is all I should need. I just wish that I could see these qualities in the people surrounding me. If they are my reflection, am I the one that lacks? Can I give more grace, more love….but I can’t expect any back. Expectation makes me selfish. Selfishness makes me disappointed. How do I let things that shadow my joy in life go? Can I reach the capacity and grace of a benevolent god?

I used to imagine you in my life.

Until you said, you didn’t.

So I had to wipe the slate clean.

And we start all over again.

Four years of Groundhog Day.

You with her, me with him

Then you and I start over again.

I am in love with a delusion. My idea of what life should be, of a Love that isn’t perfect, but at least stays with me. A Love that cannot disappoint, or make me feel unsure, I am not asking for righteousness, just let me feel secure. A Love that will take care of me, help me learn and grow, through kindness and maturity, that’s the Love I want to know.

Loneliness, disappointment, sadness…

As I lay here alone a new idea occures to me… A boat for two. It wouldn’t neccessarily be suicide to leave everything behind and row a Tory out across deep wild waters…. maybe take my dog if either of them are around by that time…storms, sharks, all kinds of dangers to face with out a soul in site to help, save, or disappoint me… why do I expect so much? Why do I let people’s actions and attitudes disappoint me so much? Why does it seem i am addicted not to love, but to heartache….