The daily report…

It occured to me tonight that I have no one to answer to. I jumped from my parents, to my marriage, to a couple different boyfriends all of whom I had to report: “I am going to the grocery store, I stopped at the thrift store, I need to get gas, I am on my way home…” Right here, right now, NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. I want or need to go to the store it is up to me.i stay at a friends longer than anticipated, don’t have to tell anyone I am running late. It is rather liberating.

Dont get me wrong I know if I went out of contact for more than a week tons of people would be hunting me down; I am loved. (Un deservedly so…) but I am not leashed.

I kind of want to be leashed… I want a man, a relationship, that all the love songs apply to… someone to share things with…someone that pulls me close so we can touch each other when we are just stting… someone I can pull close in the night… someone I can take care of when they are in a funk and someone who wants to take care of me when I am scattered… and that kiss and touch and communication make life easier to life.

I dont want to be tied to eaxh other and answering to each other every second of the day. I dont want to HAVE to do all the dishes, I want somone who can clean up after themselves and be organized more than not. I call him mr perfect but he isnt…he is too skinny and a riddle and he doesnt know how to fight fair or make fun and he does not follow directions well, he learns… but I love him beyond reason… when we finally are together, I know it will be worth the rest of life’s bs.



I was early trained to be afraid, mainly of getting into trouble. Breaking rules. Being punished, even for things I didnt do, or did not understand.

Around age 7? A Bible/Missionary story made me afraid of watching my children be tortured with the fear of watching mommy be murdered for her beliefs (that turned out to be a euphemism for my divorce).

Now, as I try so very hard to make a way for myself in the big world, alone and outside of being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother of 8, my biggest fear, really seems to be boundaries. That thing I lack almost completely so I dont understand, truly, why people get upset. I mean no ill-will. I try and hope that I am clean, attractive, appealing to the people around me… but I dont wear a bra, and I dont shave (I grow until I can afford to wax- and I like bot, hairy me, & hairless me, very much!).

So when someone says they dont like hairy women, I feel like I am in trouble. I feel like my person is offending their boundaries and I back away. Then I figure, if they like me, the parts of me that matter in real spirit, then they will come to me, they will want to touch me so that I know, they are open to my touch. Personally, this doesnt happen often.. and when I am left alone beside a body I feel unwelcome to touch, then I feel unwelcome.

I know this is my perception, my fuck up. I cannot read minds.

What if… you were in a sci-fi movie. This clarevoient tells you, as your character is poised to die, with just a glimer of hope, but the prophet says, “no, there is no way out, you are going to die any minute.”

And this person is NEVER WRONG,

You look at this science geek, fortune telling, officer of your space station and know this is the last person you will be with… even if there is only friendship, a mere acquaintance, and little attraction, would you not want to kiss them, hold them and be held in those final moments. Would it matter who you were with, in that last moment of life, or would you rather be alone?

If we are to live in each moment like we could die in the next; if every consequence relies on divine truth being lived/shared; how do people stand being so disconnected from each other?? Why do I feel so ashamed of wanting to love people who dont want my love?

40+ and dating

I recently read an article about the benefits of dating women in their 40s. It was was mostly aimed at men, but I was reading it to see what I could identify with or maybe what I am missing.

The point that stuck out most was that women in their 40s supposedly know what we want– well, shit… that got me thinking what DO I WANT?

Someone else asked me what I wanted in our relationship “balls to the walls”. I broadly replied, “you, me, life.” He moved on, so I guess that wasn’t a good answer. So then I had to start thinking in specifics.

I can easily say what I dont want. I dont want drama. I dont want to be control or be in control. I want communication. I want openness and trust with logic and reason AND concern for mental well being of each other.

I want morning music and dancing; meditation with breakfast; showers together after morning massage/yoga/strength training. Work, whether together or apart, whether on the homested (house cleaning, property improvement, gardening), or at a career/ money making; productivity and accomplishments that can be discussed over lunch and planned for the afternoon. Then the daily cleanup and preperation for the evening which is the reward for the day and should always be some kind of celebration or reaffirmation that life is good and tomorrow will be another good day!

I love going out just enough to stay connected to family, friends and my little corner of the world. I am not a social butterfly, you wont see me sipping all the flowers I pass, but more of an elusive creature sipping and pollenating from only the most nurshing of nectars.

So, 2018 basically began with all three relationships I was involved in to some degree, disolving in their own unique ways… the oldest and youngest are the hardest to lose, which seems fitting, and nothing is ever done evolving but for now I am trying to steep back and wait for the relationship I need and desire to come to me. I am tired of saying “this is me and I want to get to know you!” I want someone to chase me and invest in getting to know me– somethings will seem easy, but to really know me it will take effort, it will take unexpected ideas, activities, planning situations to challenge me and catch me “off-guard” to find the genuine me. I want to find that too.

Off again

I am in the mifdle of emotional crisis. I barely keep from sobbing and have this weird feeling it would take being pulled apart from the limbs to feel any worse pain than what my heart and head are trying to comprehend.

I left a 20+ yr marriage and 8 children because I felt abused and taken advantage of, because I never felt a kiss that could make it all disappear. That kiss is what I prayed for, all I want or need. I found it in this 35 yr old gigolo? ! He is a damaged soul carrying at least 3 or 4 pussies at a time. How he manages the rotation I can’t imagine. Why he needs that kind of validation I don’t understand. My soul soars when I am near him. My heart skips a beat when he comes to mind. Somehow I feel my salvation in his love….or in his healing…I will find mine. I want to bear his child and die young in his arms . The idea of not havimg that crushes me beyond any pain; I cry but I dont feel my body…I burn myself in the usual way and I feel nothing but this pain for him…I will confront him in time I will go to his house and cry and beg him to find some way t either love me or free me…I am so sorry I feel so desperate for him… I dont understand because he is so silent, so distant…but not in my arms…not when he takes a minute to just look at me. I am strong and a bit proud and I will lay down at this man’s feet and beg for scraps of attention… I cant imagine living with out that. What is wrong with me??

My vivid imagination

Anything can happen. Anything at all. I can drink a cup of coffee and start feeling the estrogens working in my hormones and everything I do from picking movies to impulse shopping is, well, girlie! Chic flicks, chocolate, cola, chocolate, lingerie…did I mention chocolate? I haven’t craved chocolate like this in months…

So after eight pregnancies, my imagination is like, “may….beeeee…” even though there is no real evidence in my body of conception. So, I will spend a week making sure I mind my diet exercise and everything else to keep my period on schedule, and keep my imagination from trying to confuse me. As much as I want a child by my lover, I would prefer to be married to him; for us both to be happy and ready to start a new family…. family with the foundation of love, trust, and congruence that was missing from my previous life.

Still my imagination says there is a soul, inhabiting a zygot, a perfect little girl who will never be because it isnt time so she is just taking a step into this dimension and in a few days she will pass from it having served the purpose of giving me hope that someday, he and I will have a child (or children – fingers always crossed for boy/girl paternal? twins).

Dumb imagination.


I stand for love. Every day I evalute and pick apart my actions trying to be the kindest most helpful and loving person I can be.

I have learned this does not mean “feeding myself to the lions” but saying no when I have to. Not giving too much, but I still do at times.

Sometimes, I feel like I am doing penance. . . when I do the things other people dont want to do. Other times I feel blessed there are things I will do for others that they feel blessed by me for doing, like it is a HUGE deal, but for me it really isnt, its just life. Sometimes life is shit and sometimes its just sirty dishes and laundry, or a case of beer and snuggles. I am always blessed when I feel I have blessed others…

I hate when I feel like, “when is it my turn?” I dont need much. I just like to feel special somehow…like someone wants to go the extra mile for me. Thank God my parents kind of do…as much as they are capable, financially and mentally.

I feel so humbled and undeserving when people I care for show their gratefulness… like I dont know why they are so grateful for me doing things they could do but yet can’t.

I feel like I have this brain injury that makes me weird and glitchy LOL and yet I feel like other people are more glitched when they think I am some kind of super hero for cleaning a bathroom?!

I wonder if these glit hes are genetic or invironmental? Why does common sense and self care seem like such a grey and faded area now? I have always been simple-minded but now somehow that is a gift in a complicated society.


“Alright,” he sighed after the unsettling inhale she noticed as she approached. He took her hands, looked into her face, then drew all the focus of her eyes on his. Suddenly, she knew something very important had shifted in the grand scheme. She searched him without losing his gaze. “Your going to meet my family, now.” he paused as the reality sat in; when she finally took a breath, raised her eyebrows, and gave that smile he wasn’t sure if it was mischief or naivety, but he never took his eyes off hers as he raised her hand in his, opened her fingers and slid the Claddagh on her finger, “I hope you like it.”