The things I think and feel sometimes makes me feel like a pathetic worm.
One the one hand I finally realize I cant respect a man I dont see as “beautiful” as he sees me. I dont understand my admirers. I see a big face, thick body, saggy boobs (always! Not just from kids but thwy have always bean flesh bags for milk not perky or lovely breasts at all). I may have an hour glass figure but really mothing any more special about me than anyone else. There are definitely more beautiful women in the world. Yet, these men and boys are drawn to me for some reason and I see the good qualities and ignore the superficial since I dont appreciate my own superficial beauty that much.
On the contrary side though because I have been with men thatvi dont “worship” at least as equally as they seem to me I dont really respect them…it starts there and goes deeper…this one is cute but has no self-confidence and wont make anything of his talent. This one is sweet and thinks he is entitled but doesnt respect all he has been given in life. That one is beautiful, but has some kind of fucked up way of hating the world around him.
The analyst says my expectations for a relationship have become unrealistically high…well if God is supposed to be my number one, then anyone who wants to stand next to me has a lot to measure up to, especially since I see God a bit differently than the majority of Christians.
Now there is a new man….and I want him. I see him as beautifully flawed, I want to help him be more and yet he’s perfect in so many unexpected ways. So, my insecurieties bubble up. He’s superfically beautiful, like me–but am I pretty enough to keep him? He is smart and can solve problems, like me–but am I smart enough dispite those times I am a total airhead? He seems to like the way I want to cling to him and hold him when we have time together and right now I am inder the impression he wants as much time with me as I want with him hidden from the world just loving each other and feeling safe in each others arms until we are fortified against the hard world outside.
Of course all that makes me scared and so I retreat into my God’s love and the imaginary world I have of Jesus being the only one who could ever love me and help me be the person I need to be to find the happiness the ones who love me most want me to find.
These are my deep thoughts and I am not even stoned (maybe a little drunk from the sour milk I had to try THREE times before I was convinced it really isn’t drinkable LOL).
I am pretty convinced I should not have a relationship until my career is fully underway, but I also cant imagine not having a friend and lover to make just being alive better.
I know I need to be an example to my kids, morally, wthically, realistically (because let’s just be honest, ethics and morals are put on pedistools like they should be the easiest high standards but the truth is the pedistools are standing in the quicksand of relativism).
Guess I still have a lot to think about.
