Petals of Narcissus

I am pretty certain that some where back in this journal-ling I spoke of narcissism.

Wait, as a disclaimer I must admit I am very much on the fence about labelings. I believe  in the moral sub-struct of the film Ella Enchanted, a strong will is slave to nothing. A label is not a boundary of one’s personality, it is just a shading in each individual’s spectrum. (oo I like That! We are ALL rainbows!) I also readily use labels to help categorise personality types so I can better interact with people because I feel so self conscious about my social abilities; and it makes it easy to describe common personality traits, as long as all parties communicating are aware of and appreciate said spectrums.

So back to narcissism… My marriage was frustrating, I kept trying to follow this, that, and the other “formula for a happy marriage” and nothing helped or made sense until I was told by someone somewhere, that I was married to a person with Narcissitic Personality Disorder, which has this wonderful* trait of being very two faced, so no one outside of the home ever gets to see the reality of the brilliant talented supportive spouse they all “know” and love; and getting it diagnosed by a professional is extremely difficult because NPDs are naturally charming and manipulative, so very likable. The second most stand-out thing to me was when the victim starts wondering if they are the narc because that is the only way you feel you can defend yourself… I fell for it hook line and sinker, every support group and article I could read on narcissism, NPD, Stockholm Syndrome,  has me looking at my life so differently because I know who I DON’T want to be…    *(sarcasm people)

So this youtube comes up and I start listening to this guy talk about narcissism and it is helpful, but I had not seen this one until today because I had stopped watching and focusing on the negatives of that relationship since it is mostly over (interactions for the kids and we do ok usually– one thing I learned from all the support groups was SO MANY people have it way worse than I did and I feel lucky even for as icky as my situation made me feel.)  and it particularly was good to hear Sam Vaknin at minute 7:30 address that yes, there is healthy narcissism which is necessary for a contented life.

I got out of that situation, but the relationship will live as long as he does, for we have children and I want a happy family even if it means we are healthier apart. The recovery is on-going. I have a very hard time trusting myself, let alone anyone else, but I want to be open so I just brake down those walls and live with a bit of anxiety waiting for my vulnerabilities to be used against me… for my failures to be blackmail. I want so much to stand on my own and KNOW without a doubt, without need of validation from anyone,  that I am a good person, contributing to humanity’s wellness, being a steward of the planet we share and survive through. {We take care of the earth because without it we die.} Every action and decision, interactions for normal adult life, I question, I doubt, I fear. Is this lack of experience or recovery? I want to take responsibility for myself, for as many of my short-comings as possible and it feels like I  MUST just to get to a place where I won’t fear falling into that seemingly helpless, codependent, subjective position again, and I will trust myself and feel secure in my relationships.

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Playing with the Cosmos

I have these little fantasies

A future I would like to see

Do I speak these things out loud

how would that set them free?

Or do I hold this idea inside?

crafting and forming

while riding the tide

of life’s ebb

and f l o w

to take that responsibility

for a future

for a future?

I don’t know

I need a god

if a scapegoat He be

Someone bigger

more responsible

than me.

The problem is

this God I know

with jealous vengeance

and eternal grace

the soft still voice

I can only hear

when I listen

He’s scary as fuck

telling me to be strong

to be free?!

To accept the reality

that He is inside of me!

A schizophrenic Illusion?

Or truly Deity?

and which of those

would that make me??

Are We a God,

or

Are we just Nuts?

 

 

My God complex…

Forgive me for using voice to text so there will be no punctuation or very little. I just need to say this here before I say it to somebody and offend whoever I say it too because I’m pretty sure anybody I know would be offended.

So I figured out that I don’t believe any human being can love me unconditionally only God can do that and I’m going to push anybody who says they love me to their limits because I want them to not promise to love me I’m not promised to be here for me or take care of me because they fail they will always fail but I hold myself to a higher standard and I beg and plead to myself internally let them hurt me let them betray me let these people that I love disrespect me in any way they feel necessary in their life because I know most people hurt each other subconsciously but I know I want to love them through it no matter what so be an alcoholic and treat me like s***or being narcissistic control freak and treat me like s***I don’t care I’m going to love you and I’m going to try to be here for you and help you as much as possible but I know I’m going to be too much for anybody to love that much other than God because I’m going to f*** around because I’m going to obsess over music because because writing is how I get the words out of my head and it has been a very interesting dilemma to have to talk to my phone in order to write since the keyboard is busted thanks to a cracked screen and I have to flip it Every which Way in order to activate all the letters but there is no money to fix it yet make money pay bills make money pay bills and Life Goes On and I still feel unlovable

Prunning

Sometimes it is SO HARD to let go of something that has brought comfort and joy. We hold tight, ignore the pain that creeps in as we white knuckle circumstances hoping things get easy again…some times they do, sometimes I have to realize it is time for a different path.

I finally made up my mind being attached to a person to feel loved and safe, valued and secure was really just false hope. Very few people can feel that way in themselves, let alone for another person. I don’t want to burden anyone, tho I know I do and am so grateful my parents help me SO MUCH. I hope that being in my family, being my friend, is nothing but a joy and blessing to those in my life.

I became determined in a short week to feel the same about romance. Only the highest of expectations in myself and for one I could wholeheartedly love and trust would be satisfactory. I didn’t really know what that looked like. I tried making a list in my head as several friends had suggested. What do I really want?

Friendship, some one to talk to, easy to carry on a conversation and not be worried about frustration or negativity causing harsh feelings and distance between us.

Balance, equality is a farse. I cannot and do not want to be equal to a partner, I want to be recognized for my unique weaknesses and strengths and I will honor and do the same. This is true respect and honor for another spirit being.

I made this list in my head, giving myself freedom to be as picky as I want. I decided I would keep dating, talking to people who were lonely but I would not expect anything from them because no one could possibly meet my expectations because I was gonna make sure that was the case.

Then it happens… Easy conversation, motivated ambitions, self-examination, self-awareness, gentlemanly but not up-tight, open-minded but still grounded and logical and not flakey or spacey. How or why did this choose to happen in this time of my life when I was ready to forget about connecting deeply with another person, I was ready to accept I was weird and would be forever alone because there was no one who could love me, like me… And then boom here he is, and I am being challenged to accept this kind of love and friendship I was ready to dismiss as fantasy.

It seems when we allow ourselves to let go of something we held onto for so long we grow bigger, better, faster. Now I have a love that is blooming more sweet and fragrant than I have ever known before. I unexpected as it is, I refuse to stand in disbelief, because this love is everything I have asked for, why should I expect any less?

And if it were…

Not sure if it’s the moon or the weed; my imagination has been running wild.

I found THE MAN he found me he says what I feel and seems to agree with what I say…and then there is an honesty that the darkness feels a need to test because truth must be tested to be made real.

So while I have let some things go, I still wonder what would happen if I were to face that “perfect lottery ticket” the emotional liar, the Gemini.

I still maintain a facade of my “man harem” I lean more towards platonic friendships and save the bennies for special occasions… My lover says he understands. I try to say he is free to do the same and I don’t want to sabotage this new place of amazing love and trust because of what my ex would call “rationalization” . I HATE him for filling me with such self doubt. That was truly his greatest sin, telling me I can’t trust myself, my instincts, my knowledge of ME! So I have to find peace in the confidence that my choices are me, not him, not the church, not my parents…me…little itty bitty tiny me CAN grow up without becoming stagnant, bitter and old.

I always think of making lists of goals and then I worry I will be disappointed by having made expectations… So where is the happy medium? Filing it under my imagination I guess…

I like it when it rains. I like it when the lights go out. When everyone is still and quiet because the rain keeps them in and everyone is calm and quiet for just a little bit. That is what the world is missing.. a collective silence.

I used to search for my tribe until I learned I belong in a web.

I miss my family but they we’re not my own. I have changed or they we’re lead away from me. I am foreign, unique, bazaar, alluring, but uncomfortable. I am tired of pets whom cannot grow emotionally but are forever children. I still struggle with longing for a child in which I can “get it right”… The perfect pregnancy, birth, and relationship of caretaker and teacher, in which upon their indepence, I would feel I had done my best to equip them for a peaceful purposeful existence.

I want to see the world. I want to travel by train through every continent. Taking ships to those I must. Of course doing this consequtively would likely be too consuming of time and money so a plane trip might be thrown in here and there to free things up a bit…

And if the walrus got me pregnant would the Man still travel, learn, teach and grow, with me, with us? How many preconceived notions can I unstitch in a life time?

I write

I know I talk to much. I type, I text, I write. I play music constantly. I hate sitting still alone, stillness is for cuddles and meditation, which I don’t do well. Cuddles lead to sex and meditation leads to sleep. Part of me wants true, deep love and connection (which I feel is only ever deep enough when I am pregnant, when that love is literally inside me sharing body, mind and spirit. Weirdness, insecurities, I don’t know anyone else who discribes this need this way..) I am close but not yet accepting of my fertility fading away. I don’t like the responsibility of cats and dogs let alone tiny humans…so mentally I am like “God, fix this! Put these things in balance naturally” still waiting on that… I like sex. I like when my lover is skin to skin and the sweat makes our bodies warm and stuck together. The salty smells and tastes, the warmth and texture of another body. The feel of hands on my skin… Those rare moments when I don’t have to move and give but relax and accept…

I am an open book. I tell my lovers everything. Being open seems like the “Midas Touch” my words my feels turn into golden treasure, solid, palpable, but it becomes too easy to accidentally touch on something that I can’t make fluid again. Words set in stone can weigh the spirit of another down. I can’t predict what,when,or how so I reach this capacity warning where I think, oh God! I have talked (texted, messaged) this person so much they aren’t responding they are closing off, shutting down, walking away…why can’t I shut the fuck up? The panic makes it worse. I am compulsed to write more. It may start in the journals, pen and paper, or here in the “somebody listen to me! But Good, please don’t judge me or take me seriously” forum, but the release has to come and orgasm won’t do it just words upon words until it spills into art because words still aren’t fluid enough and my body is too tired to dance any more for a while at least… I need to soak and get the toxic out but until that opportunity I write.

Too long

I haven’t picked up a pen in a while, haven’t blogged or done much writing at all because life was busy and boring and not where I wanted to be focused on because it just makes no sense to me…. We don’t own our homes we pay for convenience that makes life only more complicated…I am trying to assimilate in a social and cultural structure that seems the most ass-backwards way to exist. I want to be a part of it. I want to know I have the ability/capabilities to survive and feel less out of place, even though I know for certain I LIKE MYSELF and I don’t want to lose my uniqueness, my joy and trust that life is meant to be easy and delightful.

So I met a new guy. Pretty sure we have crossed paths before but the pull was brushed off due to circumstances. So we had time to change and grow and create a situation the gave us time to really see each other. The slight tug of strangers passing in the night seems to have grown by gravitational proportions. No one before him means anymore than a friend to play cards with and I cannot imagine anyone coming after him…and while it feels like it should be a scary concept– it feels like the safest place in the cosmos.

I see and feel these feels and just shake my head and pray I never have cause to doubt my judge of a man. Please don’t let him be another user… I know the game, I have played it well and can keep my emotions clean when I know from the beginning it won’t work as a growing engaging partnership…. People think I am so flakey, and I know in a lot of ways I am but real life, the spirit, the body/vessel of the spirit, I try to be completely respectful of that relationship inside each of us. I strive to be honest because building up expectations just makes disappointment so I say, I don’t like the way you kiss, or I say I will want to argue with you too much… I voice theses things that tell me I won’t be satisfied in this relationship so don’t expect me to stay around… But when I don’t feel those things… When I can’t find that reason, with simple obviousness, well then I am easily duped. Our kisses are perfect. He loves to touch me and loves that I love to touch him. We make love and fuck the full spectrum. We can talk forever. It seems simple. I know nothing is ever simple, it is always intricate, delicate, a simple moment can make a chip that cracks and brings the whole euphoria into disphoria. I don’t want to give it power I don’t want to speak that thing that disappointment into existence but I don’t want to be blindsided by it either!

So at two weeks and four amazing encounters, I am so far gone I can’t decide if I am drowning or swimming I just know I went in head first and am too deep to come up for air.

And it feels really good to write it all out someplace to be heard without feeling like I am burdening someone who doesn’t want or need to worry about me.