Is there a physiological reason a woman’s body, my body, would crave sperm?
I want sperm. Part of me wants a baby so bad…part of me doesn’t… But the part of me that does… I don’t want to just have a baby… I want a partner, someone whom I am actually happy co-parenting and coexisting with… There are SO MANY candidates…so many men longing for what they see and sense in me, I don’t trust myself with most of them, so sad and needy… They would be SO EASY to make happy, to fuck. I could have sperm anytime I want, but I don’t want to get pregnant by them, can’t stand most of them, to look at, to talk to, they are boring or possessive …they want to get me pregnant as a trap, a leash like my ex had/has on me. They don’t see it, but I do (or I question my psychology, paranoia?) ….either sex with no commitment or sex for a trap…how can I fuck just anyone if I don’t trust what I see and feel in them? (and why can’t I, if I do?)
I try masturbation, still leaves me wanting, hungry to feel that load inside me, incomplete to the point of being boring, no matter how many times I orgasm… even sex with a man isn’t truly satisfactory unless I feel HIS orgasm & KNOW he has emptied his balls in me … Why? Is it my trauma? Was this need for sperm planted in my psychology at some point? Or is it an actual physical/physiological craving, from my hormones/ imbalances?
Sex is so weird with the dynamics of physical and emotional desire, chemical releases caused by both! Hard and soft options, again the physical and emotional triggers, good and bad, different for each person. All the things that attract us to each other are the same things that repel us from others. We battle for defined purpose, reproduction? Or repose?
Slowly humanity transitions from seeing sex as merely for reproduction and sees the connections between the emotional well being and physical connection. Companionship isn’t necessary to further the species; humans are well established, and our own worse threat. Companionship is more necessary now for safety, a place of repose and a barometer in the reflection of our own psyche.
So here I am, determined to be a self sufficient woman. I have already convienced myself I can never rely on a parent, partner, or child to provide comfort, safety, or security in my life (there is a small romantic ember that tries to keep hope in such ideals, I mourn it’s dying while hoping I can still provide safety and security to my children someday, at least assist as much as my parents tried to help me, but the cards are stacked against us in this political, capitalist culture). Independence, self reliance, means knowing where I stand, I am responsible for my level of comfort and satisfaction. Independence, also means being alone, constant evaluation of my investments, motives, and priorities.
I see myself as incapable of most of my responsibilities, when I look from an external perspective. From this perspective, I should not get pregnant or be responsible for raising children, paying bills, shit, EVERYTHING IS A STRESSFUL STRUGGLE, incapacitating …. except sex.
There is another perspective in which I see myself as fully capable of all my responsibilities. No internal conflict, no depression, I might have a baby, I might not it wouldn’t matter because I can handle anything. From this perspective I would have to shut out all external judgement. It’s scary because, right now, I can only see this alone, for who could I confide in and who would trust me enough to love me through that actualisation? Where would I find safety and acceptance in this world? How do I turn off or tune out the external judgement? Where do I find the courage to even allow myself to find out if that’s what I am?