Dear Brain, STFU

This is what I hate about love and intuition and imagination.
I see myself as weak, becoming brainwashed and my well-being dependant upon your validation. Like a drug better than any other, talking to and texting you all day long getting your responses, it’s a buzz. The chemicals my body creates are amazing. I feel joy and vitality and arousal almost constantly.
Then you disappear with no word for 11 and a half hours,and counting. (How stupid of a short time is that?)

My imagination starts positive with, “his phone is dead” then quickly moves to “no, it’s turned off because he is with someone else.” Then, “Lord I hope he didn’t get a DUI.”
“No! Don’t think of that! Go back to the girl scenario that is better than anything that would damage his reputation and job prospects.”
“Is it really? Cause then you have to look at yourself smartie pants”

“His phone is dead. Just have faith his phone is dead. I love my love…”

“This is nuts you know? He is just a man and your life doesn’t depend on him for anything”

“But I want it to…”

“Don’t be sheepish! You are surrendering too much, AGAIN get the fuck out of a relationship that makes you like this!”

I feel totally unrealistic because the more I look at myself the more fucked up and fragile I see my mental health. Like, Damn. I hope I have a brain tumor or some shit that is making me feel AND ACT this crazy, “maybe you should sse a doctor, Ms. Responsibly Independant?” but soon I am gonna be dead and not have to worry about a Damn thing any more, so, “YAY! No doctors!”

As cuddly and sweet as my pain-in-the-ass dog is, I want another person beside me. Right now that is you, darling, but instead I know not where you are or your state of being. It is almost unbearable. Particularly after these three days of talking over polyamoury, monogamy, trauma, relationship patterns (this is why I suggested counseling btw, someone to help us learn more ways to navigate such deep waters) these three days have been EXHAUSTING. There is this turmoil inside me that I can only distract from but can’t truly turn my focus to anything else.

And then he messages me. Somehow he makes me laugh, by mocking but encouraging my frustration and writing outlet. We write. We connect. We share new ideas and masturbate together. He gives me “the fix” when you cannot. He is my calm, you are my strength. He is my safety, you are my adventure. There is not a face of me for each of you, you each reconcile me with contradicting parts of myself.

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More fiction

Her lips held the universe. Somehow he felt he could stare at her lips and see the cosmos, revealing the meaning of it all.

When his lips brushed hers it was humbling. How did he deserve such riches.

What was he losing, as he discovered more of himself in such uncharted waters?

Fiction 9/07/18

“Please? I will worship you. You are the goddess”

His pleading was so pathetic, she had no respect for him but her compassion could not send him away.

“You may hump my leg like a dog,” she sneered almost disgusted with herself for her weakness of sympathy and her desire to be proud of herself…for respecting herself by not allowing ANYTHING to fuck her. If nothing else,she was selective.

But god she loved to be fucked. The mere thought of hands caressing her body sent her to euphoric realms and the real thing, well that was ecstasy….it didn’t matter who, or what, she wanted to take it all in, and birth it all out.

Her own pleasure paled compared to that of her partners. As far as their praises led her to believe, SHE was THE BEST, but she didn’t care, she just wanted to loose herself to ecstasy. Forever, for as long as she was conscious of being a living, breathing, human spirit all she wanted was to escape into that wonderland where the bodies neural pathways are completely scrambled by orgasm after orgasm from pure loving worship flowed into her. This was her Eden, this was her nirvana, the promised land, lay right there between her legs and she could live there forever.

Are we but human
Living by our failures
Born to die

Our life but history

If remembered

dispised

Or are we not gods

Children of the Divine

Are our choices

Manifest destiny

With no fault

To define

No excuses to give

But to create

A life

I am happy to live.

Blue Irish eyes

A weakness of mine

Warm sunshine

Full harvest moon

Clouded skies

invite angels to soar

Stormy seas

Bring emotions to shore

To fly to sail

An open breeze

in skies

And seas

Love the wind

Playing in clouds

Wild and free

Wind on the seas

Riding the tides

Passions

The storm

Thunderous clouds

Crashing waves

Fresh water air

Salt water spray

The wind

My soul

Never be still

keep me whole

FML

REAL SHORT.  Those scary as fuck moments when I think I am fucking crazy for thinking everyone is fucking psychic because of the things that happen.

haha… so hard to organize my thoughts sometimes.

The Gemini contacted me and sent my brain into a whirl as usual. Oh! to fuck him again after so long ?! would be decadence in my story of debauchery. Consequences of disappointing the Virgo (by being with Gemini) are being rationalized a mile a minute while my Goddess once again toys with the cosmic equation to find the that magic formula to achieve her ultimate desire of …. things I am too ashamed to say… but I fuck up and the Virgo says in conversation how he does not want to live with lies of omission while I am in the middle of making that decision. I do not want to do that! but already men wanting to rank each other and not share in the same day… was it the knowledge of Sagittarius’ hands having touched me, or the (correct) assumption that I had left out details of it being more than his hands on my body that made Virgo’s brain, erection and desire not cooperate?  Was it those feelings that fired Virgo’s disregard for my,  “no”? Not a complaint exactly, I am so deliciously sore from his attentions I don’t care if it was conscious or subconscious punishment. I just want the omission to go away so I don’t have it hanging over me. I want the perception that I cannot be honest about who I am with without being punished, to go away… I want their egos to back off on the ranking and just allows us to appreciate each other equally for our uniqueness.

I try to push the Sagittarius away, but I really don’t want to. He gives good love. Why else would I have him around if I didn’t like so much of him? I respect his soul, his strengths and appreciate how he loves me. I can forgive and ignore his short comings, except of course his ego wanting to threaten equality.  So, even when I say I do not want to fuck him, I know when we laugh and I am taking care of him his gratitude wants my affection and my body wants his.
Gemini, clouds my mind and makes it so hard for me to KISS (keep it simple stupid) in someways he has achieved what I want, the ability to walk away from bullshit…. or at least drink it under the table. We don’t tend to share deep conversations or much time together, I am too active to sit still with him, but when we can tolerate each other the love-making, the fucking for we agree they are one in the same is off the charts… and I am romanticising it at the moment because it has been so long.
My Love, still so new and yet a steadfast reflection of me in so many ways that I hate every moment without him, but he too has the drop of insecurity that says, “please say I am the most important”, and I want to, but it doesn’t seem fair if I cannot have the rest…

 

 

So all three of these men are beautiful, talented, alcoholics who excited my being, libido, and will to live. The Goddess is doing her best to keep me alive and to make life worth living, there must be a damn good reason…

It’s All in My Head

Dear Mr. McGee,

I am not a simple person. I have grown beyond “fuck and go home”.  I had no idea what Love was when I thought you loved me.

I really enjoyed loving you and dreaming of a possible life together.  I realize the adventures we talked about were just fantasies of things we each wanted to do with a person we are in love with; now I am doing those things with that person, and it isn’t you. We just didn’t have enough in common you and I.

I appreciate the things I learned about myself, and the courage you somehow gave me to learn them.  I hope, in some way, I have affected your life in positive ways also.

I made you a promise, that I would always love you and want you in my life. I will keep that promise, on my terms, not necessarily giving you what you think you want or need from me, but being kind, unconditionally.

Good-bye, and Good Luck,

Me

 

{now do I have the guts to actually send it to him?}